Feeling uber positive

So, I haven't blogged for ages. It's a mixture of things really. Mainly, my life has changed so so much in the past couple of months. And it's all for the better. But more on that later. First of all...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

I'm currently at my parent's house in Surrey, having spent Christmas here. It hasn't been too bad I guess. I mean, I have had a great time. I met up with my friends on Christmas Eve, got a bit tiddly. My sister has caused problems, mainly because she's been a bit selfish what with the baby and everything. I don't understand it all really. But I have eaten a lot, and isn't that what Christmas is made for?!

I have meant to keep this blog up, but it's like with all things, life just got in the way. The main development has been my relationship with Edd. It started 2 months ago and I have never been happier. I feel like I have found my place in life. My nan asked me today if this relationship was the one, and I could honestly answer YES. I have never felt like this before and I can't see it changing. Edd has baggage, as does everyone. But I like this baggage. This baggage comes in the form of Emilia. She's 4 years old and I love her to bits already!

So 2011 looks set to be great, and I'm loving life. That is all!

A blog from my iPhone!

Woo!

The Lurgy

Yep, I've caught the dreaded lurgy. I tried to work for 2 days whilst the flu virus was battling my system. Alas, it has won. The perfect middle to a rahter shitty week so far. In a way I'm glad because with my head feeling so stuffy, I can' think about things. A mild relief, but I can't actually speak at the moment, due to my throat feeling like it's full of razor blades. Bad times

An exercise in narcissism

So... there's this saying that "No one can love you until you love yourself" or something like that. The problem is, what if you don't know yourself? I know that sounds silly to say, but it's how I feel when I hear that saying. I look at myself, and I've spent the last few years living up to this expectation of what Kerri is.

Kerri: (noun) a girl who likes to have a good time, overshares, drinks too much and does stupid idiotic things, sleeps around and works a lot.

Hmmm... it's not the best image, is it? You see, that is just the front I have. The side everyone sees. I have other sides, and I often question myself, why don't I show them? Would my friends like my geek side? The one that sits at home watching crime documentaries, and actually really enjoys studying. What about my sensitive side? The side that actually processes the emotions, and feelings, rather than letting them just bounce off me. The side that hates being alone and just wants someone to share the wonderful things of the world with.... I'm not so sure.

However, it's getting hard now. I'm starting to not like what I see. What I'm turning into. I worry that each time it's getting worse and worse, I'm drinking more and more, and I'm worried what I might end up doing. I don't like it one bit. I don't have any regrets, I've had a fun 5 years in Swansea and some very fun experiences. I think I've just reached a point where I want some sort of... self respect? Maybe not the right word. More like stability. I think. A bit more maturity? I need a balance between work and socialising. Because I'm doing one all the time, when I get the chance to do the other I am overcompensating in a BIG way. And I fear it's ruining things. I'm not a bad person, at least I like to think I'm not. My judgement is shockingly bad when I'm drunk, and if there's someone on my mind, it's usually them I piss off when I'm drunk, regardless if they're with me at the time or not. And I'm sorry for that.

Loneliness is my problem as well. I hate being lonely. I actually despise it. I may put on a front that I'm happy being by myself, and I am, but at times I just wish I had someone there. It hurts sometimes, when all I want is a hug and for someone to tell me that everything is ok, there isn't that someone there... And what if I thought I'd found a someone? Would it be selfish of me to ask a guy to be with me but he'd never see me? Apart from at 5am when I finish work? I don't think it would be fair, which just makes me feel even more lonely. It's harder now... Now that I think there is a connection there, and I can't do anything about it. I'm messing it up by saying the wrong things. Am I demanding too much? I don't know. If you read this, and I really hope that you are reading this, I want you to know that I will be patient, and wait. It's like waiting for Guiness, the whole good things come to those who wait thing... Even if it goes nowhere, I want someone to see the other side of me, just for once. If you can break down the barriers, I really think I need it.

Home, Home on the Raaaange

So I'm back in Surrey. Back in Woodhatch. Nothing much has changed. In fact, it seems to be more boring than I remembered. I guess it's because all of my friends have moved away. I suppose that happens. I think I've said it before, it's always weird coming home.

My parents seem to be creatures of habit. Nothing changes. Occasionally I'll notice a new duvet set, or this time I have noticed a new set of plates in the cupboard. But nothing big changes. My brothers and sister play on their XBoxes all day, my dad joins them, my mum does work in front of the TV. I don't really fit in to this scenario anymore.

I often wonder when I'll end up like them. When I'll have a family of my own. The idea scares me a little. So much changes in my life year on year, I can't imagine falling into the monotonity of family life. My sister is heading there. She's due to give birth in November, and let me tell you, it's going to be such a shock for her. I heard her talking to my mum earlier about bottle feeding the baby because that means someone else can feed it during the night.... I don't know who else she is talking about, because her boyfriend is stationed in Inverness, and there is no way in hell that my mum will wake up and feed the baby. I feel sorry for my sister, she hasn't got a clue what she's doing with her life. So many people in this world are desperate to have children, have nuturing stable families to bring them in to, have been trying for years, and then there's people like my sister who just ended up pregnanat by accident, who have no jobs or means of support, and who don't realise that that's it for the next 18 years of their life. It's kind of sad that she doesn't realise how hard it's going to be.

New Chapter?

So, it seems that once again my life seems to be at some turning point. I'm not sure that I'm too happy about this one. At the moment I am waiting around to get a coach back to my parents' house to go to my nan's funeral. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the whole situation. I've never been to a funeral before and I really don't know how I'm going to react. I'm taking waterproof mascara.

The summer is ending. You can feel it in the air. The nights are starting earlier and it's starting to get colder. Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I do love the summer and all the fun it brings, but then I also love the snug security of winter. But all in all, it has been a rather good summer and I have enjoyed myself. So maybe it's a good thing that winter is coming. I get time to recharge the batteries. Well, not really. As soon as the new university year starts, I'm working 7 days a week. I'm kind of excited about this, as I've got new responsibilities at work, but I'm also dreading it as I will lose any semblance of a social life I once had. I'll just have to see how it pans out I guess.

As for the romance aspect of my life.... well, ever seen a ball of wool that someone has left in the bottom of bag and forgotten about for a few years, and when they find it they discover it's a huge tangled mess? Yeah, that pretty much is the state of affairs at the moment. As usual, I've fallen for the wrong person. I have to give myself some credit that I managed to hold back for quite a while. Usually I fall deeply straight away and it's a huge intense mess that inevitably ends bad. This time though, it was just fun. Just fun, until things started falling down around me, and things were said that gave so much comfort at the time, and now just make things complicated and weird. I didn't want to fall for the australian, I knew it could never be, what with him not being in Swansea for much more than a few months. I tried so hard, honestly I did. And I seemed to be succeeding..... And then he told me he likes me. This may not sound a big deal, but it was the way it was said. At the time when I was just miserable about my nan being in hospital and slowly getting worse, the australian was in the south of France. I had plenty of friends around me to keep me cheerful, but it wasn't the same as having someone who seems to fit next to my body so well. And then to have him say that he wanted to be there to give me hugs and kisses, and to make it in to such a big deal to say that he likes me.... well, honestly, it just spun my head a bit. I know it's not that big a deal. He wasn't declaring undying love or anything like that, but it was just the way it was said, how much of a big deal was made out of saying it. And now? Well, we had a great reunion, and honestly, I felt like the most special girl in the entire world lying in his arms. But, I know this is going to end. It seems to be ending already. I feel selfish for asking him to spend time with me. I feel like I'm annoying him, although I can't place why. And I feel like I can't say anything about feelings or the future, I feel like if I do then I'm going to be that weird bunny boiling girl who everyone runs away from. I'm not like that, I just like to know what's going on. But honestly, I don't know if I could find the words to express how I'm feeling now. I don't think there are any. This mixture of hurt and happiness is no good, but I can't see a way out of it, so I'm learning to cope, no matter how painful it is.

In other news, the kittens are getting bigger and cuter (apart from when they decide play time is when I want to go to sleep), and it's getting harder and harder each day to part with them.

Fail

So, the photo a day project has kind of fallen on it's arse. It seems that life has got in the way. Why does it do that? Things have just been so hectic recently. You know that saying that bad things come in threes? I think that's a lie. Because these past few weeks have just been rubbish. My flat got broken in to, which really wasn't fun. It's kind of shaken me up, and now I can't sleep in my new house by myself, and I get jumpy at any noise. The police coudln't see any sign of forced entry, which panicked me even more. I didn't sleep in the flat after that happened. I moved in to Liz's house a week early.

The kittens arrived. It was exciting. 4 cute little bundles. 2 white and ginger, 1 white, black and ginger, and 1 white and black (who is called Batman, and we're keeping). Unfortunately, after I had been to the police station to report the break in, I came up to Liz's to feed Mumma Cat, and one of the kittens had died. It was one of the ginger ones, the biggest one whom we had named Tank. It was rather sad. The other kittens are fine though, and getting bigger by the day.

My nan is in hospital. She went in with pneumonia last week. She seemed to stabalise, but now her kidneys aren't working properly, and it's just a matter of time. It's really sad and I don't know what to do. I'm kind of blocking it out at the moment. I've never had someone close to me die, I don't know how to feel about it all.

The australian is in France at the moment, and I actually miss him quite a lot. I have been talking to him since he got off his sailing trip, but now he's run out of credit and I can't get hold of him. He told me he wishes he were here to comfort me. I wish he were too.

And then came the rain...

It's hard keeping up with this Project 365 thingy! I've been busy moving and packing, but I have finally found some time for an update... so here it is...

Day 2

This is the spider that lives in my bathroom. He's rather big, but I'm not scared by him. He seems to stay only in the corner by the washing machine. He's been there for weeks. We have an agreement. He doesn't crawl over my face while I'm asleep, and I leave the bathroom window open so he can have flies to munch on. I really should name him, but I can only think of Boris. Boris was the spider that used to live outside the window of my grandparents house. For years. I'm sure there were several spiders called Boris. So I can't really call him Boris, as he's not on a window. See the dilemma? So, this is a photo of the spider with no name, who is pretty much my flatmate at the moment.

Day 3

Apologies for this one, it was taken on my mobile. It's of some boys playing football in my local park. It was the last forecast day of sunshine. The end of the Swansea Summer. We've had a good run this year. Usually it only lasts a week, and then, just rain. Rain, rain, rain. And more rain. Yep, the rain has started.

Day 4

This is also taken in my local park. Someone has carved tree stumps in to mushrooms. There are a few dotted randomly around the place. I like random acts of art in the places you least expect it.

Day 5

This is a photo of an earthworm in a puddle. There are lots of puddles in Swansea at the moment. This picture got me wondering if earthworms can swim. So I did a bit of research, and courtesy of Wikipedia, I found out... that they can't. Which now leaves me with the guilt of being a worm murderer, having walked away and left this worm to wriggle to its puddley death. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have committed wormicide. The shame.

Project 365... my attempt

Inspired by something my friend is doing, I have decided to try the same thing. The plan is to take one photo every day for a year. Hopefully my photography will get better, and I should end up with some crazy photos and hopefully a good collection...

So...

Day 1

This picture was taken in the early hours of this morning. This is my soon-to-be housemate Liz and our amazing cheesecake. It was our first attempt ever at making cheesecake, and it turned out to be a great success. It has strawberries and raspberries on the top. Liz did manage to turn it in to an acrobatic cheesecake when trying to remove it from the tin, but it survived and we enjoyed it very much.

Wherever I lay my hat...

Once again, a realisation has crept up on me. You know, one of those big ones that makes you stop whatever it is that you're doing and shake your head in disbelief. I shall explain...

I've been at home in Surrey this week. Well, for about 2 days anyway. I came down to visit Carys and Hannah as a joint birthday celebration (theirs, not mine)/reunion. We went to Thorpe Park, it was a truly great day. Much fun was had, many pictures were taken. It was great meeting up with them again as well. It had been just under a year since the three of us were together. Way too long. I spent the night at Carys's flat in London, and the next day we went to St James's Park and ate sushi, drank cider, and mucked around and took more photos. As you do.

So, I arrived home yesterday, pleasantly worn out, a bit sweaty from the journey home, but all in all rather content. And... my house seems different. I guess that happens when you move away. Things change. Not huge big things, but small things. A new cabinet in the living room. A new fridge/freezer combo. Parents have a new routine in the evenings, and are actually going out. My baby brother is actually looking like the teenager he now is.

Then, about 10 minutes ago, it hit me. Smack bang in the face. This isn't my home anymore. Not in the sense of "this is where I belong" home. I mean, I'll always have a place here, it's where I grew up. But it isn't where I belong anymore. I have to admit that I do feel like a guest when I visit. It's usually a case of find me a place to sleep now that my sister has moved back home. And all of my things that aren't in the attic are reduced to a drawer and half a chest in "my" bedroom. I'm going to look through them later, bring on the nostalgia. But anyways, this has all got me to thinking about where my place in the world actually is. Where do I belong? I love living in Swansea, it's more home for me now. But I can't see myself living there forever. So... where will I belong? And how long will I have to wait to find out?

Busy busy Bumblebeeeee

So, strangely, I've been really busy lately! I thought that when Le Cafe closed for the summer holidays I would be bored out of my mind, but I've actually been quite busy! I had the Isle of Wight Festival, which was awesome! It was quite cool to see a festival from the other side. See all the stuff that goes on backstage. I couldn't believe how many people actually work at the festivals! It was tiring work though, 15 hours of standing around. But I found it oddly satisfying. I wasn't bored at all. And the banter with the boys was just great!

I've also been busy since then. Mainly alcohol induced busy, but it's been great. I had a little bit of moping, which was promptly cured by Alex and Jezabelle (her amazing Land Rover who is back from the dead). There is nothing a trip to the beach can't cure. Even if it is only to play in the kiddies play park.

Needless to say, I was cheered up no end. Swansea is a beautiful place sometimes.

Other highlights of recent times include:

Summer Ball... well, before it rained

Rollerskating down to Mumbles, although my thighs didn't thank me at all

I worked as a steward at the Green Day gig in Wembley Stadium, and it was so much fun. Yeah, I couldn't turn around and watch them, but I did sneak a few peeks. Ssshhh, don't tell anyone. And once again, the banter was on top form. Also heard the best saying as some bloke came and asked us for directions: why do you need to know where you're going if you don't even know where you are?

Pretty much sums up my life.

Also, scaring australians is my new favourite hobby

It actually works....

...This whole positive thinking malarky. I do believe it actually works. I have felt more cheerful in the last few days than I think I have in the last few months. Just because I've been thinking positive. And, you know, it seems to affect others around you. They become more positive too. It's contagious, like yawning. Only so much better than yawning (although a good yawn is satisfying, is it not?). And, when this happens, good things follow. I like good things. So, I'm gonna keep on being positive and let the good times roll.

Sunny Days in Swansea

It's days like this when I know that everything will get better...

Hair

So, today, I have been wondering about hair. What is the purpose of it? I mean really? Everyone has different hair styles, colours, types... but what purpose does it serve? Is it like the human equivalent of peacock feathers? I mean, because if it served a ourpose vital to human survival, why do men lose it? Some women lose their hair as well. I have just been wondering about this today as I need a haircut, and I couldn't decide whether to dye it again or not, which led me to start thinking about the purpose of hair. I've had many hairstyles, spent copious amounts of money on my hair. Some would say ridiculous amounts. And for what? Guys don't notice when we do something to our hair. Is it a girl thing? Competition between girls? I don't know. But it has got me thinking about the many hair styles I've had. Even in the past few years. Thus, exhibit below....

Another interesting turn of events

So, it seems it's just all gone crazy n my life at the moment. Rachel has decided to move upstairs to live with Mat. I've told her this is a bad idea in my opinion. They have only been together 2 months and only known each other for 3. But there's just no telling loved up people sometimes. Anywho, she can't move out until August when our 6 month contract is up. But it appears that she's already started moving her stuff up there. This makes me sad. I don't really want to be living by myself until someone else moves in. I'm by myself enough as it is already. I have found someone to move in though. My friend Ross wants to stay in Swansea as well. So it's all good. I'm just hoping that nothing goes wrong between Mat and Rachel in the next 3 months as I can't let Ross down. Things are just confusing at the moment.

I am also very burnt. Will upload a picture of my amazing tan lines tomorrow.

It's time to start all over again...

Well, it appears that I am single. I honestly couldn't tell you why, just that I have been ignored for the last week. I am rather angry about this, so I'm not going to dwell on the childishness of it all. Just that at the moment I'm trying to get my head together again.

Also, in impressive news, I drank Jack Daniels all night last night and didn't get aggressive or emotional once!

A Big Realisation

So, here's what happened. Yesterday, I was at work. It was a pretty boring day if I'm gonna be honest with you. I got woken up early by the builders who are fixing the back wall, as they wanted to steal our electricity and water. The cheeky buggers then took my keys. Was not too happy about that. It meant I spent time sighing rather than getting to work early as I had planned. Instead I got to work just on time, which wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be early and superduper amazing. Fail.





Anywho, work was rather boring. It was a quiet night. Nothing of interest happened. My boss was in a mood and seemed to take it out on everyone else. Those shifts are never fun. The news was going on and on about the hung parliament and Gordon Brown resigning and other such stuff that didn't grab my attention. Since my boss fiddled with the tv, we no longer get the fun channels that have decent programmes on. We have news. Rubbish. Anyways, there I was, beating the crap out of a burger on the charcoal grill (a favourite hobby of mine), when it happened. My sudden realisation.... Life after graduation is this. All the expectations I had in my final year, wanting university to be finished as life after would be soooo much more exciting, only... it's not. It's as monotonous as university. I wake up, go to work, go home, sleep, repeat... Is this it? Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 40 years? Really? Well, I'm not impressed.





But then... I had another thought, a bit later on when I was at home and pondering aforementioned revelation. Maybe life is only like this because I'm not making it interesting? Maybe I am not looking for the exciting things. The exciting things that happen in every day life. I mean, if you think about it, life is pretty exciting. And I think we spend most of our time worrying that we're not living life to the full enough, which is a bit ironic as we're then actually not living our lives.





I think my recent funk is down to a few things. One is probably my laziness. I am feeling extremely lethargic at the moment. I literally have motivation for about 10 minutes, and then poof! It's gone. I'm going to blame this on my diet. I need more veggies and fruit. And tuna! I shall eat more tuna. Another reason is my lack of free time meaning that all I can see myself doing is working. Now, I've though about this, and it's not strictly true. If I actually woke up at a decent time of the morning rather than afternoon, and did stuff rather than spending all day on Facebook, I might actually enjoy my time more. I have a lot of free time before work, I need to make the most of it. And, maybe another reason is the amount of stupidly intense couples I have surrounding me. I'm not saying me and Mike aren't serious, because I think that we are. But for the first time in my dating life, I am not making everything intense. I guess living in different towns helps with that. And you know what? It's refreshing. Admittedly at times I worry and I panic and I get paranoid that he doesn't want to be with me etc etc. But, then I come to the realisation that if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. And what we have is good. I don't feel smothered, or trapped, or anything like that. I feel happy. I may sometimes look at what my housemate Rachel and the guy upstairs have and feel a pang of jealousy. But then I take off the Mills & Boon goggles and look at it rationally. They spend every waking minute together, they spend every sleeping minute together... when do they get their own time? When Mat's at work? When Rachel's upstairs doing her uni work? That's not having your own time really. And when they have their first argument, it's gonna me messy. They've only been together a bit less than two months. Nobody should be that intense that early. I find it amusing though that Rachel moaned about me being too intense in relationships when I first got with Mike... and now look! Pot, kettle, black much. There's also Danny at work. I love him to bits, but he's so loved up all the time! And he is definitely the woman in his relationship. His boyfriend, Dan, is a nice guy, but Danny mothers him. And the plans he's got for his birthday... Jeez. I mean, a treasure hunt around Swansea?! A surprise birthday party with a buffet and a cake that it's taking him 3 days to make?! That just all sounds exhausting! But I guess it works for him, so I'm happy for him in that respect. Clearly, romance is not dead. As for me, I am happy with what I've got. I see Mike when I can, we have a good time and he does give the best cuddles. And despite other temptations from people who shall not be named, I don't want to be with anyone else. I guess this means I'm maturing? I guess maybe I am.

So, from this moment forward, I'm having a life tidy. I'm going to write a big list of things I want to do this year. And I'm going to jolly well do them! I'm going to make my life exciting, I'm going to appreciate the small things in life, and I'm going to spend less time on Facebook (seriously, they need counselling groups for Facebook addiction).

Election 2010

I'm watching the Election. I'm not sure why, I'm not politically minded. I actually forgot to register so I couldn't actually vote. I'm not sure that the parties are actually different to each other. Yet still, I'm sitting on my sofa with a can of Diet Coke, contemplating baking cookies, watching this election because it feels like it's gonna be a huge change for the UK. If I had voted, it would've been for Liberal Democrats. That appears to be the way I swing. I wish in a way I was more politically minded, maybe this would make more sense! Hmmm... It's compelling to watch. It sounds cliched, but I guess I am watching the future of this country being shaped. This is definitely a moment for cookies.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

I've been thinking about blogging for the last few days, but I don't know what to write about. Since the last time I wrote anything, things have been a bit more cheerful. It turns out that the world wasn't ending, and now things are back on track. So smiles all around eh? I'm just feeling so lazy at the moment. I need a kick up the backside. Summer is not the time to be lazy, that's winter's domain. So, I will think about things to write. Fun exciting interesting things.... And stop being so lazy.

Please note the new hair cut. Everyone says it suits me. I think it makes me look like a boy. Does this mean everyone thinks I'm a boy????

Screw 2012, the world is possibly ending now

Ok, maybe that's a bit overdramatic, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to curl up in a ball right now and hide under my duvet until everything is better. I don't think there is a worse feeling than when you know your relationship is ending. The inevitability of it is gut-wrenching. And the pain is multiplied when you know that there's nothing you can do about it, it's the right thing, but it's the one thing you don't want. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You refuse to see it. You can't imagine life being single again. In fact, you can't remember life being single. I detest confrontations, I really loathe them. But... in the next few days I'll have to face this... and it feels me with dread. Until then, the duvet is calling me and I'm definitely taking this call.

A wee post about everything

Well, I haven't blogged in ages, but I finally have some free time to get things down. Lots of things have been going on. Some good, some bad, some ok. I've been working loads. Like, a ridiculous amount! But the money is worth it! Oh yessum :) Although working 6 nights a week took its toll on me at times. And it meant that I couldn't see Mike as much, which was hard. But I have a bit of a break now, so yay!

I had a visit from one of my best friends at the end of February. It was great. Not as drunken as the last time she came up, but still had a great time. We had food from all over the world. Honestly. We had pizza, chinese, japanese and southern fried chicken. It was great. We watched a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I got a tattoo the other day. Another one. On my back. I'll post a photo once it's healed.

My brother is coming to visit for the weekend. It'll be the first time I've spent Easter weekend with a member of my family for 5 years, how strange is that! I'm quite looking forward to it. We get on well when we're not at home, and he seems a bit down. His girlfriend of 2 years has just broken up with him, so he needs some cheering up. Me and Mike are taking him to Face/Off tomorrow night, which is the metal v indie night in Sin City. It's awesome, and I haven't been since my birthday, where I don't remember being there.

Things have been a bit of a rollercoaster with Mike recently. I am in love with him. It's scary. Haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time. But things have been hard. We hardly saw each other for 3 weeks, and while I was working 12 hour shifts at the weekends, he was going out with his friends drinking. I guess he found it different to how we spend our weekends together. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going out with his friends, but it's different going out with your friends without your partner there. So anyways, he's still getting used to not seeing me at all, to suddenly seeing me lots again as I have got more free time for a month. But still, we've spoken and things are sorting themselves out. It's weird though, as we both know in a year and a half we'll be moving away. He's going travelling around the world with his friend, I'm planning to move to Peru to teach english... So, I've just decided that I'm going to take it as it comes, and just be happy for what I've got. I'm terrified of losing him, but I don't think I'm going to, so I'm not thinking about it.

Hmmm, that was a bit of a rant, but rather cathartic. I will try and think of something more interesting to write about for my next post. Planning on buying a camera tomorrow, so might do an update of the new flat and how lovely it is!

Random thought...

I haven't blogged for ages. Haven't had much time to really. There's one on the way soon though. Just wanted to share that working all the time sucks and I miss my boyfriend :(

Ugh, packing

^ Part of the carnage of packing!

Yeah, so I really don't like packing. Like, really really. It takes so long, and then you have to unpack it all again. Lame. However, I'm thinking that it's going to be worth it as we're going to have a nice new flat and everything will be hunky dory. And I'm thinking that it'll do wonders for the relationship between me and Rachel as I reckon the cold and damp hasn't made either of us cheerful. So... as of tomorrow I'll be in a new place, where I plan to unpack properly this time (bonus is that lots of stuff still isn't unpacked from when I moved in so that cuts down on the amount of packing!). I never realised I have so much stuff!

Moving!

So, it seems that a solution has come about to the flat of doom... We're moving on Friday! The estate agents decided that we can't live in the flat in the state it is in, and it's such a big repair job that we can't live here when it's being fixed. So we're moving! To nice flat up a huge hill. But there's no mould! Yay!

Looking forward....

After some really useful advice I received recently, I'm having a mental tidy. Focusing on what makes me happy, not the negative things. Mainly because there are just so many negative things at the moment, that it's hard to see past them. So, the little things that make me happy. The things I enjoy. The things I have to be thankful for. That's what I'm going to think about now. And I'm feeling the benefits today. I am thinking in the small picture at the moment, the bigger picture is just too big to deal with right now.

Surprises!

Last night I was watching TV with the boy, blissfuly cuddled up on the sofa, when the doorbell rang. First off, I ignored it. Our doorbell never rings with people actually for us, usually just for the girls upstairs who can't tell the difference between the letters A and B... anywho, the doorbell rang again, so I got up. Answered it. And screamed. There standing in front of me were my two lovely friends from Barcelona. Completely unexpected, as the last I heard they were in Spain. Surprise visit! I have to admit it, I swore rather loudly. But it was in Spanish, so it wasn't as bad. So, it turns out that they've come over for a surprise visit to everyone, and they're staying with their friend Helen. We're going out for drinks on Sunday, which will be fun! AAAAAAAAAAAAND they brought me my favourite spanish snacks! Donettes Rayados, which are possibly the best donuts in the world and I was so addicted to them when I was living in Barcelona. And Lays Campesina, which were the only decent flavoured crisps out there and I sadly got addicted to those too. So, now I am all happy with my wonderful gifts of joy!

Also tonight, I have my first shift back at the diner, and I'm rather looking forward to it. It's an easy job and I did enjoy it. Also, I should be working with Danny again next week, fingers crossed. We had many fun times, singing diva songs and watching Supernatural. Working with camp gay guys is loads of fun!

Paaaainful teeth!

Image from Google

I am in so much pain! For some reason, the left side of my mouth is killing me! Two teeth near the front that will not stop hurting! I don't even know why! Maybe it was the bag of haribo last night? Maybe it's my gums? I don't know what it is but it HURTS!!!

Complications

Why is life so complicated at times? Honestly, when one thing in my life is going well, something else has to go wrong. Why can't it all run smoothly? I mean really? So, all that's going well is lovely boyfriend, stress free job, more me time. What's going wrong? Banks, money, flat of doom... doom and gloom. Apparently banks are evil, did you know this? It's far too much stress. Money is just evil as well. We try not to let our lives be run by it, after all, there's that saying that money can't buy happiness, yeah? Well, it's true I think. However, money can give you peace of mind, which leads to happiness. Thankfully, in this day and age with so many people being in debt, there are plenty of advice lines and such. So, I think I'm on the right solution and I'm sorting it. Further proof that I am growing up, usually I just ignore these things, which is why I've got in to debt in the past and why I'm probably in debt now.

The flat is just beyond a joke. Seriously, it's just damp and mouldy, and we've been told that it's going to need months of work and that we probably won't be able to live here during that time. Which is not good. We need somewhere to live. I just want it sorted!

In the meantime, I am searching for distractions. One great distraction is Mike. He is very good at making me forget all that is rubbish in my life. How does he do this? Well, with kisses, cuddles and boxes of red wine! Oh yes, we love a good box of red wine. 4 bottles of wine in a box! Bargain. And the drunk conversations that follow. Honestly, I don't need to go out to bars and clubs and spend stupid amounts of money. Just give me lovely people and a box of wine. Obviously, just cuddles and kisses from Mike. And possibly Carys.

Another distraction is knitting. I actually really enjoy knitting, is that sad? It's really relaxing. I've finished the phone sock for Rachel. Complete with fiddly sequins. I'm starting on making her gloves now. And I want to make a blanket. This is also a remedy for the flat of doom's coldness. See, there is method to my madness. And it gives me something to do with my hands when sitting in front of the TV instead of playing games on Facebook. Honestly, I'm so addicted!

I'm rather proud of this :)

Aaaaand.... relax

Well, I am no longer working door to door sales. Last week went from bad to worse, I didn't get much help or support, so yesterday I quit. It was getting too stressful, I wasn't enjoying it and I was becoming grumpy. I'm not a grumpy person, so that was a big indicator for me that it was time to leave. Luckily, I have some part time work lined up in the diner I used to work in, which should turn in to full time after a few weeks. I'm not looking for loads and loads of cash. Just enough to get buy and treat myself occasionally. Happiness is the important thing at the end of the day. I feel so much more relaxed now anyway. It's 1.45 in the afternoon and I've yet to shower and get dressed! It feels great! I can have me time at last!

So tonight, I am going out with my lovely boyfriend to get drunken and chill out. Good times.

Are you happy where you're standing still?

I've been in a funk for the last few days. I can tell you why... negativity. It just seems to be everywhere at the moment. I can't escape! And try as I might, it's affecting me. I'm not a negative person. Well, not recently anyways. It seems that most of my negativity ended a while ago and recently it's been fun fun fun. But now... pfft. I honestly enjoy my job. Yes, it's hard work. Yes, it's not for everyone. But I'm good at it. I'm not a pushy sales person, I enjoy chatting to people. I'm getting paid to chat! But if I leave my flat in the morning after having a negative conversation about all the things I'm doing wrong with my life, well, it's not going to help me make money, is it? I can't go and be chatty to people if I'm feeling like shit. So... for the record...

1. I have no problems in my relationship at all. Yes, I made mistakes in the past, but people shouldn't be judged on that. And if my love life is so interesting to you, maybe you should take a look at your own. I'm bloody happy with a lovely boyfriend.

2. I have a job which pays well because I put in the effort. Yes, it's not for everyone, but if your friends hated it, it's probably because they thought it would be easy and it's not. It's hard work.

3. I am barely at home anymore, I make little mess, I feel like I can't even leave a plate on the side without having committed a cardinal sin.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my flatmate to bits. I really do. She's helped me through some tough times and I can't think of anyone else I would rather live with. But people go through ups and downs, and I guess this is just a down. I work bloody hard so I can stay in Swansea. I love it here. I have a life here now. I have wonderful people supporting me. Friends who aren't even here, who don't see me hobbling around my flat because my feet are covered in blisters from walking around solidly for 8 hours, 6 days a week. I get support from Mike. Yeah, he's upset that he can't see me during the week, but he's supportive of my job. He sends me encouraging texts during the day, asks me how I'm doing, tells me I can do my job and he's proud of me. I honestly can't see how I'd fuck this relationship up, and I have no intention of doing so. I've grown up, I feel I have, and people can't go around judging others on past experiences, as nobody would ever progress. Also, my mum sending me links for jobs in the civil service and other jobs all the time doesn't help. Especially on the days where I have no sales, feel terrible and want to jack it all in. But that's a very delicate conversation to have and I'm not in the best frame of mind for that yet.

So, that was my little rant. I needed to get it out as it's been stressing me out, hence why I had a migrane of death last night which meant I couldn't work today as I couldn't see straight. My plan to combat this negativity? Avoid it until something else comes along and it all blows over. I know I'm good at my job, I'm happy with my life, so I'll just focus on the positives, the nice things that are said and sod the rest of it.

I haven't updated on my New Years Resolutions for a while... this Saturday I am going to a vegan restaurant with Mike, so that's my new experience for the month! Well, in all honesty, this whole month has been a new experience for me! But this is my definite one!

Also, one of my best friends Hannah is up this weekend, which I am uber excited about. Although it won't be the same without Carys here. It will be like a gingerbread man missing his gum drop buttons. Sigh.

Owwwwwww!

Does anyone know a miracle cure for blistered swollen feet?! Honestly, I have tried everything!

Trying to get it right

Well, after my horrible horrible day on monday, I kicked arse on tuesday. We had a blizzard and I still made 2 sales. I beat my leader. I was on fire. And it's all gone to poo again these past 2 days, and I can't see where I'm going wrong. I have 6 sales left to meet my goal for the week. 2 days left of the week. I know I can do this job, I just know I can. It's hard work, my feet are absolutely killing me. But I WANT to succeed. I'm not a quitter. I need to sort myself out.

It also sucks not being able to see Mike during the week. I miss him rather a lot. I know we've got the weekends together, and I know we'll make the most of it. I just miss having that hug mid-week. The one that keeps me going until the weekend. Although he has been great, kept my spirits up and made me smile even when I felt like crying yesterday. I want to do well at this job, earn the money to show him how much he means to me. Jeez, I'm falling hard for him....

Meh is the word

Well, it hasn't been a great day. I had a rubbish day at work. I spoke to loads of people but no sales. I guess it has to happen, having a bad day. It hasn't got me too down. I can see where I'm going wrong. I just need to work on it tomorrow. My shins hurt too. And the balls of my feet are just blisters. No lie. I didn't even know I had muscles in my shins that could hurt to be honest.

BUT.... tomorrow is another day and I'm gonna nail it.

Lazy Bones

I've had a busy week this week. It's also been great. My first day in the field I didn't have my badge, so I couldn't make any sales, but I was practising my pitch. And the odd thing I found was that I enjoyed the times when I was pitching, not just standing in the background observing. Yes, that's right, I actually wanted to get involved, take the forefront. What's happened to lazy Kerri then? My second day I had my badge, and went out fully raring to go. And go I did! And I made my first sale and felt over the moon! Honestly, it felt amazing! Here is photographic proof of my joy!

As you can see, there was snow. A lot of snow. Cardiff had snow, Swansea didn't. And still doesn't. They keep telling us snow is a-coming, but still, lacking snow at the moment. It was actually quite fun working in the snow, slipping over and sliding places. Snowmen and snowballs. Although it did get bloody freezing when the sun went down. I bought thermals today in preparation for next week.

Look at the snow!

That snowman on the right was about 8 feet tall!

I do love the snow. Another odd thing happened today. I didn't feel like laying around in bed all morning. Which is not like me at all. I love my bed. I honestly would marry it. And usually at the weekend (and especially with a hangover, like the one I had this morning) I can stay lazing around in bed for hours. But this morning, nope. I was awake and restless. Unfortunately for me, Mike just wanted to sleep. So I just lay there, my mind going crazy. Planning things in my head. Thinking about things I wanted to do. Today and the rest of the week. The rest of the month. The rest of the year. I making plans. This job has shown me in just one week that if I want something to happen I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN... It's completely mind blowing, but I can do things and I will do them. And this year, I'm determined to do it all right. No more laziness for me. So now, I'm off to tidy my room!

Drunken fools...

... but we make a cute couple!

Clonk clonk

I love my new shoes that I bought for work, when I walk around my flat they go clonk clonk clonk and it's really satisfying. I can't put my finger on why.

First day at new job was a success, things are looking up.

Icy

It's very very icy at the moment in Swansea. It took me half an hour to walk to work yesterday, that's twice as long as usual, as I was slipping and sliding everywhere! And we were locked out of the call centre for half an hour as nobody had a key to get in. It was very cold, let me tell you. The ice is also bad today, Mike had trouble getting out of my road, his car was sliding all over the place. Eventually, some neighbours came to help and he managed to escape. It was all rather dramatic as he nearly slid in to a skip and another car. Stupid ice.

I've finished at the call centre! No more talking to people with swine flu. Hurrah! I start my new job tomorrow and I'm excited about it now. Best part? I don't have to start until 11am! That's a like a 4 hour extra lie-in for me! No more waking up at 5am!

Mike has now named Sundays Fajita Sundays, apparently we have to have fajitas every Sunday. I'm not complaining that much, as I do love fajitas. I had guacamole with mine today as well. Only problem is, Mike refuses to chop onions. Flat out refuses. So I am chief onion chopper. And chief weeper due to stupid onions.

I am getting on well with the knitting. I have made a phone sock for one of the old guys at the call centre. I am rather proud of myself. Slowly turning myself in to a domestic goddess! I know it's only a small thing, but it's still an achievement. Next job... fingerless gloves! (Fingers look a bit too complicated!)

Resolutions update: Going well!

In 10 years time we'll have perfect vision

Happy New Year!

Well, it's 2010, and if Hollywood were to be believed we'd all have hoverboards and spaceships now. I feel a little let down.

I had a quiet New Years Eve. I had work at 7am this morning, that could be why. Double pay though, so can't complain too much. I stayed in with my friend Natalie from work (who was staying over), and we ate a lot, drank beer and watched crap on the tv. We didn't have party poppers, so when midnight came we pulled Christmas crackers. They still went bang, and we got a joke!

So... new year, I guess that means it's time for New Years Resolutions... well, I've got a few for this year:

1. Cut down smoking as I figured quitting right off would be bloody difficult as that's what I've been doing before and failed. So me and Mike have agreed to cut down (he wants to quit too, we're supporting each other)

2. Eat healthy which I try to do anyway, but am going to make so much more of an effort. I have a bag of bananas in the kitchen, off to a good start.

3. Do one thing each day that makes me smile as I figured that I was sad for most of last year for one reason or another, and so, even though I feel happy at the moment, I want to make sure I stay that way.

4. Do one new thing each month this could be visitng a new place or trying something new. The emphasis is on the NEW... my attempt to eliminate boredom and monotony.

So there are my resolutions, and I am determined to stick to them. This year is feeling positive already, and I'm feeling positive. Yay for positivity!

I have my last shift at the call centre tomorrow. I am in two minds about it. I am so happy to be leaving, the job is making me grumpy and I have so much trouble getting up in the mornings to go to work. Just no motivation to go there at all. It's a soul destroying job. On the other hand, I have made some friends there and I will be sad to leave them and the crazy stories and conversations. I am going to make every effort to keep in contact with everyone. Much easier these days thanks to Facebook. And my plan for after I finish? Go to Mike's house and get very drunk to celebrate! And I've told him to cook me dinner. A vegan dinner, what with him being vegan and all. We'll see if this happens.

So... all that remains to say is... 2010??? BRING IT ON!