Saturday 30 October 2010
Tuesday 19 October 2010
The Lurgy
Yep, I've caught the dreaded lurgy. I tried to work for 2 days whilst the flu virus was battling my system. Alas, it has won. The perfect middle to a rahter shitty week so far. In a way I'm glad because with my head feeling so stuffy, I can' think about things. A mild relief, but I can't actually speak at the moment, due to my throat feeling like it's full of razor blades. Bad times
Sunday 17 October 2010
An exercise in narcissism
So... there's this saying that "No one can love you until you love yourself" or something like that. The problem is, what if you don't know yourself? I know that sounds silly to say, but it's how I feel when I hear that saying. I look at myself, and I've spent the last few years living up to this expectation of what Kerri is.
Kerri: (noun) a girl who likes to have a good time, overshares, drinks too much and does stupid idiotic things, sleeps around and works a lot.
Hmmm... it's not the best image, is it? You see, that is just the front I have. The side everyone sees. I have other sides, and I often question myself, why don't I show them? Would my friends like my geek side? The one that sits at home watching crime documentaries, and actually really enjoys studying. What about my sensitive side? The side that actually processes the emotions, and feelings, rather than letting them just bounce off me. The side that hates being alone and just wants someone to share the wonderful things of the world with.... I'm not so sure.
However, it's getting hard now. I'm starting to not like what I see. What I'm turning into. I worry that each time it's getting worse and worse, I'm drinking more and more, and I'm worried what I might end up doing. I don't like it one bit. I don't have any regrets, I've had a fun 5 years in Swansea and some very fun experiences. I think I've just reached a point where I want some sort of... self respect? Maybe not the right word. More like stability. I think. A bit more maturity? I need a balance between work and socialising. Because I'm doing one all the time, when I get the chance to do the other I am overcompensating in a BIG way. And I fear it's ruining things. I'm not a bad person, at least I like to think I'm not. My judgement is shockingly bad when I'm drunk, and if there's someone on my mind, it's usually them I piss off when I'm drunk, regardless if they're with me at the time or not. And I'm sorry for that.
Loneliness is my problem as well. I hate being lonely. I actually despise it. I may put on a front that I'm happy being by myself, and I am, but at times I just wish I had someone there. It hurts sometimes, when all I want is a hug and for someone to tell me that everything is ok, there isn't that someone there... And what if I thought I'd found a someone? Would it be selfish of me to ask a guy to be with me but he'd never see me? Apart from at 5am when I finish work? I don't think it would be fair, which just makes me feel even more lonely. It's harder now... Now that I think there is a connection there, and I can't do anything about it. I'm messing it up by saying the wrong things. Am I demanding too much? I don't know. If you read this, and I really hope that you are reading this, I want you to know that I will be patient, and wait. It's like waiting for Guiness, the whole good things come to those who wait thing... Even if it goes nowhere, I want someone to see the other side of me, just for once. If you can break down the barriers, I really think I need it.
Kerri: (noun) a girl who likes to have a good time, overshares, drinks too much and does stupid idiotic things, sleeps around and works a lot.
Hmmm... it's not the best image, is it? You see, that is just the front I have. The side everyone sees. I have other sides, and I often question myself, why don't I show them? Would my friends like my geek side? The one that sits at home watching crime documentaries, and actually really enjoys studying. What about my sensitive side? The side that actually processes the emotions, and feelings, rather than letting them just bounce off me. The side that hates being alone and just wants someone to share the wonderful things of the world with.... I'm not so sure.
However, it's getting hard now. I'm starting to not like what I see. What I'm turning into. I worry that each time it's getting worse and worse, I'm drinking more and more, and I'm worried what I might end up doing. I don't like it one bit. I don't have any regrets, I've had a fun 5 years in Swansea and some very fun experiences. I think I've just reached a point where I want some sort of... self respect? Maybe not the right word. More like stability. I think. A bit more maturity? I need a balance between work and socialising. Because I'm doing one all the time, when I get the chance to do the other I am overcompensating in a BIG way. And I fear it's ruining things. I'm not a bad person, at least I like to think I'm not. My judgement is shockingly bad when I'm drunk, and if there's someone on my mind, it's usually them I piss off when I'm drunk, regardless if they're with me at the time or not. And I'm sorry for that.
Loneliness is my problem as well. I hate being lonely. I actually despise it. I may put on a front that I'm happy being by myself, and I am, but at times I just wish I had someone there. It hurts sometimes, when all I want is a hug and for someone to tell me that everything is ok, there isn't that someone there... And what if I thought I'd found a someone? Would it be selfish of me to ask a guy to be with me but he'd never see me? Apart from at 5am when I finish work? I don't think it would be fair, which just makes me feel even more lonely. It's harder now... Now that I think there is a connection there, and I can't do anything about it. I'm messing it up by saying the wrong things. Am I demanding too much? I don't know. If you read this, and I really hope that you are reading this, I want you to know that I will be patient, and wait. It's like waiting for Guiness, the whole good things come to those who wait thing... Even if it goes nowhere, I want someone to see the other side of me, just for once. If you can break down the barriers, I really think I need it.
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