Home, Home on the Raaaange

So I'm back in Surrey. Back in Woodhatch. Nothing much has changed. In fact, it seems to be more boring than I remembered. I guess it's because all of my friends have moved away. I suppose that happens. I think I've said it before, it's always weird coming home.

My parents seem to be creatures of habit. Nothing changes. Occasionally I'll notice a new duvet set, or this time I have noticed a new set of plates in the cupboard. But nothing big changes. My brothers and sister play on their XBoxes all day, my dad joins them, my mum does work in front of the TV. I don't really fit in to this scenario anymore.

I often wonder when I'll end up like them. When I'll have a family of my own. The idea scares me a little. So much changes in my life year on year, I can't imagine falling into the monotonity of family life. My sister is heading there. She's due to give birth in November, and let me tell you, it's going to be such a shock for her. I heard her talking to my mum earlier about bottle feeding the baby because that means someone else can feed it during the night.... I don't know who else she is talking about, because her boyfriend is stationed in Inverness, and there is no way in hell that my mum will wake up and feed the baby. I feel sorry for my sister, she hasn't got a clue what she's doing with her life. So many people in this world are desperate to have children, have nuturing stable families to bring them in to, have been trying for years, and then there's people like my sister who just ended up pregnanat by accident, who have no jobs or means of support, and who don't realise that that's it for the next 18 years of their life. It's kind of sad that she doesn't realise how hard it's going to be.

New Chapter?

So, it seems that once again my life seems to be at some turning point. I'm not sure that I'm too happy about this one. At the moment I am waiting around to get a coach back to my parents' house to go to my nan's funeral. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the whole situation. I've never been to a funeral before and I really don't know how I'm going to react. I'm taking waterproof mascara.

The summer is ending. You can feel it in the air. The nights are starting earlier and it's starting to get colder. Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I do love the summer and all the fun it brings, but then I also love the snug security of winter. But all in all, it has been a rather good summer and I have enjoyed myself. So maybe it's a good thing that winter is coming. I get time to recharge the batteries. Well, not really. As soon as the new university year starts, I'm working 7 days a week. I'm kind of excited about this, as I've got new responsibilities at work, but I'm also dreading it as I will lose any semblance of a social life I once had. I'll just have to see how it pans out I guess.

As for the romance aspect of my life.... well, ever seen a ball of wool that someone has left in the bottom of bag and forgotten about for a few years, and when they find it they discover it's a huge tangled mess? Yeah, that pretty much is the state of affairs at the moment. As usual, I've fallen for the wrong person. I have to give myself some credit that I managed to hold back for quite a while. Usually I fall deeply straight away and it's a huge intense mess that inevitably ends bad. This time though, it was just fun. Just fun, until things started falling down around me, and things were said that gave so much comfort at the time, and now just make things complicated and weird. I didn't want to fall for the australian, I knew it could never be, what with him not being in Swansea for much more than a few months. I tried so hard, honestly I did. And I seemed to be succeeding..... And then he told me he likes me. This may not sound a big deal, but it was the way it was said. At the time when I was just miserable about my nan being in hospital and slowly getting worse, the australian was in the south of France. I had plenty of friends around me to keep me cheerful, but it wasn't the same as having someone who seems to fit next to my body so well. And then to have him say that he wanted to be there to give me hugs and kisses, and to make it in to such a big deal to say that he likes me.... well, honestly, it just spun my head a bit. I know it's not that big a deal. He wasn't declaring undying love or anything like that, but it was just the way it was said, how much of a big deal was made out of saying it. And now? Well, we had a great reunion, and honestly, I felt like the most special girl in the entire world lying in his arms. But, I know this is going to end. It seems to be ending already. I feel selfish for asking him to spend time with me. I feel like I'm annoying him, although I can't place why. And I feel like I can't say anything about feelings or the future, I feel like if I do then I'm going to be that weird bunny boiling girl who everyone runs away from. I'm not like that, I just like to know what's going on. But honestly, I don't know if I could find the words to express how I'm feeling now. I don't think there are any. This mixture of hurt and happiness is no good, but I can't see a way out of it, so I'm learning to cope, no matter how painful it is.

In other news, the kittens are getting bigger and cuter (apart from when they decide play time is when I want to go to sleep), and it's getting harder and harder each day to part with them.

Fail

So, the photo a day project has kind of fallen on it's arse. It seems that life has got in the way. Why does it do that? Things have just been so hectic recently. You know that saying that bad things come in threes? I think that's a lie. Because these past few weeks have just been rubbish. My flat got broken in to, which really wasn't fun. It's kind of shaken me up, and now I can't sleep in my new house by myself, and I get jumpy at any noise. The police coudln't see any sign of forced entry, which panicked me even more. I didn't sleep in the flat after that happened. I moved in to Liz's house a week early.

The kittens arrived. It was exciting. 4 cute little bundles. 2 white and ginger, 1 white, black and ginger, and 1 white and black (who is called Batman, and we're keeping). Unfortunately, after I had been to the police station to report the break in, I came up to Liz's to feed Mumma Cat, and one of the kittens had died. It was one of the ginger ones, the biggest one whom we had named Tank. It was rather sad. The other kittens are fine though, and getting bigger by the day.

My nan is in hospital. She went in with pneumonia last week. She seemed to stabalise, but now her kidneys aren't working properly, and it's just a matter of time. It's really sad and I don't know what to do. I'm kind of blocking it out at the moment. I've never had someone close to me die, I don't know how to feel about it all.

The australian is in France at the moment, and I actually miss him quite a lot. I have been talking to him since he got off his sailing trip, but now he's run out of credit and I can't get hold of him. He told me he wishes he were here to comfort me. I wish he were too.