A wee bit of self assessment

After being inspired by what was said by a certain Miss Fat Rat in this post here about chapters in life, I started thinking about how I look at my life, well, what has passed of it so far. I don't see myself as having chapters based on where I've lived, as I haven't really moved aorund that much. As sad as it is to admit it, my defining chapters in life have happened because of men. I don't know if I'm proud to admit that, but sadly that's the way it is. I have been a different person because of different men in my life, and they have shaped the way I am now. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a good time girl who tried to set a Guiness World Record here, no, I'm not that bad. What I'm trying to say is that at various points in my life I have been and felt like a different person because of a man. This has mainly been while at uni, and because I have an appauling taste in men. Well, I used to, I've found a keeper now.

Let me begin. Before I left the sunny surroundings of Surrey to move west across the country to a different country in fact, in search of a higher education, I was a fairly average girl. Yes, my first love had broken my heart, but I found out (as all of us do), that it wasn't the end of the world and that life carried on. Obviously, it felt like the end of the world at the time, it always does, doesn't it? Still, I came to Swansea in 2005, already in a relationship that had been going for a year and survived his first year at uni, so I was in a fairly good place. I felt happy and secure, as far as you would be moving to a completely new city where you know no one but have a boyfriend at the other end of a phone to tell you that everything is going to be OK. Sadly, as I found out, everything was not to be OK. Distance is a harsh test on relationships, and unfortunately wandering eyes led to wandering feet, which led to wandering peckers, which led to a tearful Kerri catching a train home from Oxford after 4 hours of being there for a weekend visit. Still, I picked myself up, and there ended the chapter of my life most likely named "Kerri - the non-student from Surrey". I'm thinking about if my life were a book, and naming the chapters accordingly. It's not one of those books where chapters are given numbers, because that would be rather boring and I like chapters with a heading, giving you a little clue as to what's in store.

So, the next chapter began, and I think this one would be "Kerri - the big rebound relationship". I pretty much carried on after that big relationship to another big one. Now, let's admit it, we're all guilty of having a rebound relationship at some point in our lives. It's hard to avoid it. You try and take the best pieces of your previous relationship (and they're usually one of the long ones) and drag them in to your new relationship. These relationships rarely seem to work. Or at least not for me. I tried to settle too fast, and there were parts of me that were lost in that relationship. I rarely went out of friends that weren't connected to my boyfriend somehow. I guess, this being the first relationship away from home and not having to abide by parents rules, I wanted to prove that I was a grown up. In reality, I wasn't at all, but it was a learning curve. I learnt that relationships are about give and take. I gave a lot, didn't quite learn how to take anything back though. This led to arguments, to feeling neglected, to what ultimately ended the realtionship and something that I regret to this day. This also is where I had a major overhaul in personality, and this is due to one man...

In relationships, nobody wants to feel neglected. Well, I guess in life generally, it's not a nice feeling. Yet, a relationship is where you're supposed to be as close as it's possible to be to someone, both emotionally and physically. You don't want empty promises of spending quality time together, only to show up and be palmed off with excuses because your boyfriend wants to get stoned and play Pro Evo with his mates. Again. I'm not making excuses, I'm to blame as well. However, I felt neglected and did the worst thing possible in a relationship. I cheated. This, you'll agree, is enough to make someone feel completely different in itself. It's just that, the person I cheated on my boyfriend with, had such a profound affect on me, he's pretty much the reason why I'm writing this post. I don't agree with cheating, I think it's a horrible thing to do. My stepdad had an affair and part of me still can't forgive him for it. I always said I'd never cheat, and I honestly never thought I would. I can try and blame the alcohol, but that's a shallow excuse. I've been drunk plenty since, and never cheated. What it comes down to at the end of the day, I was unhappy and I was drinking with an incredibly manipulative man who could see that and used it to his advantage. And thus we enter the "Kerri - The lost years". Because that's what I was. But how did this come to pass? Well, as I mentioned before, this man was manipulative. I confessed to my boyfriend, we broke up in a spectacular fashion in the uni nightclub. The aforementioned man was the manager of said nightclub, so it wasn't great. After an excessive amount of alcohol, all I could do was cry. Mr T (for that is what I will call him for the rest of this post) took it upon himself to comfort me, and me, being drunk and miserable, let him. I was taken in by his words of reassurance, of how a great and wonderful person I was, about how I didn't need a wanker like him, about how I shouldn't feel bad, sex is only sex after all. I was taken in by it, I thought he meant it. This was the start of a year of messing with my head. Of giving me enough to grasp on to, and then letting it go just as quickly. By the end of the year I felt I was worth nothing. I found myself trying to prove to this man that I was worth something, hoping he'd compliment me and take me in to his arms, when in reality he just wanted me for sex. In the times when I was being ignored and feeling low, I adopted the idea that sex is only sex and nothing else, at least I thought I did. I was just trying to get someone to want me. I was clearly going the wrong way about it. This all came to a head when I met a nice guy, and Mr T tried to ruin it all. He'd done this a few times before. He maintained that he didn't want a relationship or anything like that with me, yet as soon as I met someone, he would do his best to destroy it. It usually worked. Until the last time, as on a drunken night he somehow ended up collecting me from a night out and we had a blazing argument. He said that he'd always liked me but I'd buggered off with other people. Based on this final lie, I walked away, knowing that I was over him and there ended that chapter of my life.

The following chapter would be entitled "Kerri - the spanish version", as I was a different person when in Spain and the relationships I had there. The influence of Mr T was still there (he still tried to contact me a fair few times), and I still found it hard to distinguish the difference between people liking me genuinely or just for someone to sleep with. This led to the colombian, and I was in a very bad place when I was with him. I lost weight, was constantly on my guard and couldn't see my friends without accusastions of infidelity. I was never unfaithful, but when you're in that situation, part of you thinks, seeing as I'm being accused of it, why don't I just do it anyway? I eventually found the strength to walk away, after months of arguments and tears. It made me a lot stronger and I wasn't so trusting for a long time.

We then come to the chapter "Kerri - the restoration", where I spent a long time finding out who I was and learning to be by myself, without a man. So I guess this chapter doesn't involve a man as such, I mean, there were a few flings, but they were more passing blips, and they never really changed my character in such a dramatic way.

And then I met Edd, and now we reach the current chapter, what I hope is the final chapter based on men influencing my life. This chapter hasn't been named yet, I can't think of one fitting for it. Edd has changed me for the better, many people have said so. I am calmer, I don't see sex as the be all and end all, I've learnt more about myself and I am happy with the person I am now.

Where did this huge internal monologue come from? Well, my dreams have featured a few of my exes recently, and I reckon it's because I'm so settled with Edd now that I am processing what happened before from a safe place where the wounds aren't so raw and I can see what happened for what it was. I came out the other side a better person, and I owe a lot to the idiots who hurt me, for now I am where I want to be.

Love is....

...the hug after a hard day at work

...accepting that one of you snores loudly, the other is a mean sleep talker prone to kicking their loved one out of bed

...cooking together and arguing about who does the washing up

...not getting angry that he squeezes the toothpaste from the top of the tube

...talking through the tough times rather than just shouting and giving up

...waking up at 6am to take your other half to work, and even making her a cup of tea before she leaves

...making a packed lunch for one another

...telling each other how much you love each other before bed

...never holding each other back

...laughing at each others really bad jokes

...feeling comfortable breaking wind in front of each other, even doing it competitively

...never feeling ashamed about crying

...this....

A mixed review of a week

It's been a bit of a werid one this week. Ups and downs, laughs and tears.

Edd's job fell through. Not enough old men for them to give him hours. It's rather gutting. I know he is more upset about it than he is letting on. It's rather gutting as he wants to be working and we need the extra money, but something will turn up, I just know it will.

I felt really down on Wednesday. I think I woke up and was instantly put in a bad mood by Edd being grumpy with me for elbowing him in the ribs. Apparently I seemed awake when I did this, but as it was 4 in the morning, I highly doubt I was. So I was told of for something I did in my sleep, which seemed highly unfair to me. It was just one of those days where you feel down and want to curl up in your bed all day under the duvet, and watch girly films and read a trashy novel. Alas I had to go to work and that made it ten times worse. I have no idea why I felt like this. I got over it, and felt much better after fajitas and a cuddle in the evening. Being in a relationship is good like that, going from one extreme to the other. I guess that's how proper relationships are meant to function.

I've been positive about planning the wedding. Still so many ideas running through our heads. It's good that I can talk to Edd about it, and I really don't want him to feel left out. I've been looking through magazines with Angharad (one of the mums from Emilia's school), as she's getting married next year and is getting excited about it. I never realised how much planning a wedding takes. It's bloody good fun though!

I'm also doing really well in work, and proving that I am a hard worker. I made a ridiculously big sale today after a successful bra fit. I'm trying to prove myself invaluable to the shop, which I think I'm doing as I know everything that is going on in the stockroom and how to work well on the shop floor. It's all about self preservation, I don't want to be let go if they need to get rid of people!

Part way to being a grown up

Kelly at work asked me today how I knew Edd was The One. I didn't know how to reply. There wasn't one defining moment. At least, I can't think of one. No bolt of lightning, a flourish of trumpets or anything like that. I just knew. Apparently this can just happen. I'm all for going with gut feelings, listening to your intuition and all that. I couldn't offer any advice on how I knew, which I what I think she angling for. When Edd proposed to me, there was no doubt in my mind that I would say yes. Honestly, I'd thought about it many times before. About where and when it would happen, but no amount of thinking can prepare you for it. I knew I wanted to marry the man I call Eddbum about 3 weeks after we got together. I daydreamed seeing him at the end of a church aisle giving me the wink that makes my insides melt, wearing a suit. Now, most would agree that this is rather an odd daydream to be having so soon in to a relationship, seeing as we had only kissed the first time a few days before. Want to know something even more odd? Edd had the same kind of daydream at the same time. Yeah. Freaky.

Maybe it's just all a part of growing up and finding your place in the world. It just happens naturally, you don't notice it. Just like many of the big things in life, you can't predict it coming, but when it does it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I want this to be my place in the world, I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be.

The perfect venue?

We have found it. It's expensive, but after seeing it for real today, not just a picture, we're more determined than ever. About to commence: 3 years of saving.

My holiday to Sweden Part 3

I've been trying to think of a way to describe how quiet and peaceful it was out in Sweden, but I'm struggling for a comparison. We're so used to sound being around us constantly that we're not even aware of it. If you were to go out in to your garden right now, I can wager that it won't be completely silent. You might consider it to be quiet if it's night time, but then there will be the noises that we've grown so accustomed to that we don't even notice anymore. Even in the day time, say, when all the kids are at school, it's never completely silent. The distant rumble of cars, a far away siren, a dog barking somewhere, birds singing in trees... it's never completely quiet. Maybe that's why it was so shocking to me, the silence that I heard (if that's the right word?) in Sweden. I'd grown accustomed to hearing all that background noise that we take for granted, that it was overwhelming not to hear it out there. And yet, at the same time, it was comforting. To be able to get away from everything, just the silence of the trees, punctured occasionaly by the squawking of a bird of prey (I discovered that this was why I couldn't hear any other birds!), was an amazing feeling. I'd never been to a place that offered complete escapism before. Holidays before have always been to hotel resorts or to cities. Now, there is nothing wrong with this. In Cuba, at times it felt like there was no one else, just me, the beach and the crystal blue sea stretching on forever. But even there, there was the constant noise of activity in the hotel. As much as I enjoy resort holidays, I have discovered a new love for completely getting away from it all. For the all pervading silence.

And with views like this, who can blame me?

My trip to Sweden Part 2

Here it is, the second installment! To be honest, I don't know how many parts there will be. We'll just see how it goes.

This part is all about Emilia. Edd had told me that Emilia is like a different child out in Sweden, as she considers it her safe place and she's relaxed and happy-go-lucky. Honestly, I couldn't see the difference. I guess this means she's relaxed and happy-go-lucky all the time now. I hope this is the case. I never knew her when she lived with her mum, so never saw her feeling sad and scared and quiet. I'm glad about this as I don't know how I would feel about it. I get glimpses sometimes when she gets upset, but this rarely happens now.

This is one of my favourite pictures. It was taken after we landed and is Emilia running up to her grandparents. She was so excited to see them. If you ever needed proof of love in the world, it's right there.

First day excitement. See those shoes? They're mine. I've come to accept that Emilia will "borrow" my shoes for dressing up. I don't mind. It's rather sweet. The bike is her new bike in Sagen. She has a blue tricycle out there, but she's now banned from using it. Two reasons... 1. She's too tall for it now (she's nearly 4' tall! A giant in the world of 5 year olds!) 2. We've been encouraging her to ride on two wheels. She's learnt on the two wheelers at school, they're big heavy bikes with no brakes and are quite low to the ground. This is the next step. Has she learnt? Read on....

Success! She can ride her bike. And she rides it fast! I had to actually pedal properly to keep up with her! Edd has some better pictures on his phone of the little madam riding her bike, sticking her legs out and looking incredibly adorable. We both felt very proud of her, and her confidence is soaring with it.

Being a 5 year old must be great. Everything is an adventure. Life is full of asking questions. I think we lose that fearlessness as we get older. We don't ask why. We don't ask how. We just accept things are the way they are. Yet, a small child wants to know why things are in certain places, how things work, what's round the next corner, where does this path lead... Maybe the world would be a much more exciting place if we still thought the same way. These pictures are only of Emilia exploring a family friends garden, yet it was still an adventure.

As was meeting this frozen fish!

Yes, this is cute!



You're never too old to throw stones into water!

Now, this is some impressive photography on my part. But I look at it and think, one day, I'll make sure that she can reach the sky properly. I'm going to give this amazing little girl the best possible life.

 My eye mask....

 A trip to the river. There wasn't a lot for kids to do there, but we had a good time. Needless to say, in the heat and boredom, Emilia did get a bit stroppy. But what child wouldn't?! Once she got over her fear of the tiny fish in the river ( I think they were stickleback), she wanted to go in there all the time!

Redcurrant picking was great fun. And when you're 5 you get to be highly selective about which redcurrant makes it in to your pot. None of us were privy to the criteria for this selection process, but we were thankful for the help. We picked 10kg of redcurrants by the end of the afternoon, which is a lot!

We went on the row boat for an afternoon. Well, we did until the clouds came and we had to cut it a little short due to impending rain. Oddly enough, Emilia wasn't scared of this water! I even had a go at rowing, and Emilia kept telling me not to crash the boat like I did the car. She likes reminding me of that.

You see these two right here?

They're my world.

My holiday to Sweden Part 1

So, it seems that weddings are a lot of work to plan. Eeeep. So, I thought I'd write about our holiday to Sweden. I'm going to do it in parts, as I want to talk about lots of things, but I don't want a boring rambly post that goes on and on forever and you want to tape your eyes shut by the end of it.

This is Edd's parents house. That's Emilia standing in the doorway. It's a very nice house, and didn't cost them a lot. It's has 3 floors. 1st floor, ground floor and the basement level which has a gazillion rooms. The houses in Sweden seem to be cheap, at least in the countryside. And they are all in the same style and very picturesque. Edd's parents have a big garden attached to this house. They're planning to build a summer house out in the trees. It'll be yellow too. The house has wooden flooring inside, which was great because the stairs creaked when Emilia was trying to sneak down.

This is Edd on his dad's lawn mower (that's his dad standing in the background making sure he doesn't crash).

See what I mean about the houses? I love the colour of the red on this house, although traditionally the houses are a lot darker red, as they paint them with a by-product from copper factories. This house belongs to Bob and his wife, who are Dutch and their parents run a B&B in the village and own the old train station.

This is me standing on a bridge over the river that flows behind Edd's parents house. There's a special tower filled with chalk next to the river that releases some chalk in to the river every 30 seconds because the water is so acidic. Pretty random. The water is also orangey because of the peat from the earth around it. This river is just full of interesting things.

Just like this! It's a tiny little frog that we found when we were walking alongside the river! Apparently they can grow to be a foot long! Luckily, this one was little. I don't think I would have liked to encountered a big one!

This is the sign for the village. It's pronounced Saw-gun. There are only about 15 houses and it's very quiet. Edd has a picture of it covered in snow. I have yet to go out there in the snow, but I'm looking forward to it. Not the cold though. I'm not a fan of cold.

So that was part 1. Just a general introduction. Look out for the sequel, coming to a computer screen near you.

So... BIG NEWS!

I'm engaged! Yay! It's all very exciting and I feel like I'm living on cloud nine! I've had a very busy 2 weeks. So much for holidays being relaxing!

Edd proposed out in Sweden, with his nan's engagement ring. I said yes obviously. Some people have said that it might be a bit soon, but I disagree. Sometimes you just know and life can be a fairy tale. I am so in love with this guy and I can't wait to be his wife!