Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it...

Today, I have felt like the worst mum in the world. I'm tired, stressed out, and I told Emilia I didn't want to be her mum. I didn't mean it, and I feel like a horrible horrible person. I just lost my temper. Being a step mum is so hard. Nothing can prepare you for it. Being a step mum to a little girl who is as damaged as Emilia is, well, it's incredibly hard. Somedays, it's all fine. Somedays, she is like the child from hell. I can't blame her, she has had a terrible start to life. She doesn't know right from wrong. Well, she was taught that wrong is right really. I know this is going to take a long time. As she gets more settled, the bad behaviour will disappear. She won't be so needy, so disruptive, so scared, so confused. It's just that sometimes I feel I can't cope. It's all so much in such a short space of time that sometimes it's just so overwhelming. I worry that I'm doing everything wrong. I never had time to prepare for this. And yet... I wouldn't change it for the world. When I think about how she was mistreated I get so angry, and I just want to make sure that nothing bad every happens to her again. I'm trying to encourage her, stimulate her, get her brain active. There is a clever child in there, I know there is, but I'm worried that her lack of stimulation in her early years might mean it's too late. I don't know where to turn for advice. This family life is a learning experience for all of us. I know it'll be worth it, and I'm proud every time I hear her call me mum. I just wish it was a little bit easier.