After being inspired by what was said by a certain Miss Fat Rat in this post here about chapters in life, I started thinking about how I look at my life, well, what has passed of it so far. I don't see myself as having chapters based on where I've lived, as I haven't really moved aorund that much. As sad as it is to admit it, my defining chapters in life have happened because of men. I don't know if I'm proud to admit that, but sadly that's the way it is. I have been a different person because of different men in my life, and they have shaped the way I am now. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a good time girl who tried to set a Guiness World Record here, no, I'm not that bad. What I'm trying to say is that at various points in my life I have been and felt like a different person because of a man. This has mainly been while at uni, and because I have an appauling taste in men. Well, I used to, I've found a keeper now.
Let me begin. Before I left the sunny surroundings of Surrey to move west across the country to a different country in fact, in search of a higher education, I was a fairly average girl. Yes, my first love had broken my heart, but I found out (as all of us do), that it wasn't the end of the world and that life carried on. Obviously, it felt like the end of the world at the time, it always does, doesn't it? Still, I came to Swansea in 2005, already in a relationship that had been going for a year and survived his first year at uni, so I was in a fairly good place. I felt happy and secure, as far as you would be moving to a completely new city where you know no one but have a boyfriend at the other end of a phone to tell you that everything is going to be OK. Sadly, as I found out, everything was not to be OK. Distance is a harsh test on relationships, and unfortunately wandering eyes led to wandering feet, which led to wandering peckers, which led to a tearful Kerri catching a train home from Oxford after 4 hours of being there for a weekend visit. Still, I picked myself up, and there ended the chapter of my life most likely named "Kerri - the non-student from Surrey". I'm thinking about if my life were a book, and naming the chapters accordingly. It's not one of those books where chapters are given numbers, because that would be rather boring and I like chapters with a heading, giving you a little clue as to what's in store.
So, the next chapter began, and I think this one would be "Kerri - the big rebound relationship". I pretty much carried on after that big relationship to another big one. Now, let's admit it, we're all guilty of having a rebound relationship at some point in our lives. It's hard to avoid it. You try and take the best pieces of your previous relationship (and they're usually one of the long ones) and drag them in to your new relationship. These relationships rarely seem to work. Or at least not for me. I tried to settle too fast, and there were parts of me that were lost in that relationship. I rarely went out of friends that weren't connected to my boyfriend somehow. I guess, this being the first relationship away from home and not having to abide by parents rules, I wanted to prove that I was a grown up. In reality, I wasn't at all, but it was a learning curve. I learnt that relationships are about give and take. I gave a lot, didn't quite learn how to take anything back though. This led to arguments, to feeling neglected, to what ultimately ended the realtionship and something that I regret to this day. This also is where I had a major overhaul in personality, and this is due to one man...
In relationships, nobody wants to feel neglected. Well, I guess in life generally, it's not a nice feeling. Yet, a relationship is where you're supposed to be as close as it's possible to be to someone, both emotionally and physically. You don't want empty promises of spending quality time together, only to show up and be palmed off with excuses because your boyfriend wants to get stoned and play Pro Evo with his mates. Again. I'm not making excuses, I'm to blame as well. However, I felt neglected and did the worst thing possible in a relationship. I cheated. This, you'll agree, is enough to make someone feel completely different in itself. It's just that, the person I cheated on my boyfriend with, had such a profound affect on me, he's pretty much the reason why I'm writing this post. I don't agree with cheating, I think it's a horrible thing to do. My stepdad had an affair and part of me still can't forgive him for it. I always said I'd never cheat, and I honestly never thought I would. I can try and blame the alcohol, but that's a shallow excuse. I've been drunk plenty since, and never cheated. What it comes down to at the end of the day, I was unhappy and I was drinking with an incredibly manipulative man who could see that and used it to his advantage. And thus we enter the "Kerri - The lost years". Because that's what I was. But how did this come to pass? Well, as I mentioned before, this man was manipulative. I confessed to my boyfriend, we broke up in a spectacular fashion in the uni nightclub. The aforementioned man was the manager of said nightclub, so it wasn't great. After an excessive amount of alcohol, all I could do was cry. Mr T (for that is what I will call him for the rest of this post) took it upon himself to comfort me, and me, being drunk and miserable, let him. I was taken in by his words of reassurance, of how a great and wonderful person I was, about how I didn't need a wanker like him, about how I shouldn't feel bad, sex is only sex after all. I was taken in by it, I thought he meant it. This was the start of a year of messing with my head. Of giving me enough to grasp on to, and then letting it go just as quickly. By the end of the year I felt I was worth nothing. I found myself trying to prove to this man that I was worth something, hoping he'd compliment me and take me in to his arms, when in reality he just wanted me for sex. In the times when I was being ignored and feeling low, I adopted the idea that sex is only sex and nothing else, at least I thought I did. I was just trying to get someone to want me. I was clearly going the wrong way about it. This all came to a head when I met a nice guy, and Mr T tried to ruin it all. He'd done this a few times before. He maintained that he didn't want a relationship or anything like that with me, yet as soon as I met someone, he would do his best to destroy it. It usually worked. Until the last time, as on a drunken night he somehow ended up collecting me from a night out and we had a blazing argument. He said that he'd always liked me but I'd buggered off with other people. Based on this final lie, I walked away, knowing that I was over him and there ended that chapter of my life.
The following chapter would be entitled "Kerri - the spanish version", as I was a different person when in Spain and the relationships I had there. The influence of Mr T was still there (he still tried to contact me a fair few times), and I still found it hard to distinguish the difference between people liking me genuinely or just for someone to sleep with. This led to the colombian, and I was in a very bad place when I was with him. I lost weight, was constantly on my guard and couldn't see my friends without accusastions of infidelity. I was never unfaithful, but when you're in that situation, part of you thinks, seeing as I'm being accused of it, why don't I just do it anyway? I eventually found the strength to walk away, after months of arguments and tears. It made me a lot stronger and I wasn't so trusting for a long time.
We then come to the chapter "Kerri - the restoration", where I spent a long time finding out who I was and learning to be by myself, without a man. So I guess this chapter doesn't involve a man as such, I mean, there were a few flings, but they were more passing blips, and they never really changed my character in such a dramatic way.
And then I met Edd, and now we reach the current chapter, what I hope is the final chapter based on men influencing my life. This chapter hasn't been named yet, I can't think of one fitting for it. Edd has changed me for the better, many people have said so. I am calmer, I don't see sex as the be all and end all, I've learnt more about myself and I am happy with the person I am now.
Where did this huge internal monologue come from? Well, my dreams have featured a few of my exes recently, and I reckon it's because I'm so settled with Edd now that I am processing what happened before from a safe place where the wounds aren't so raw and I can see what happened for what it was. I came out the other side a better person, and I owe a lot to the idiots who hurt me, for now I am where I want to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment