A wee bit of self assessment

After being inspired by what was said by a certain Miss Fat Rat in this post here about chapters in life, I started thinking about how I look at my life, well, what has passed of it so far. I don't see myself as having chapters based on where I've lived, as I haven't really moved aorund that much. As sad as it is to admit it, my defining chapters in life have happened because of men. I don't know if I'm proud to admit that, but sadly that's the way it is. I have been a different person because of different men in my life, and they have shaped the way I am now. Now, I'm not saying that I'm a good time girl who tried to set a Guiness World Record here, no, I'm not that bad. What I'm trying to say is that at various points in my life I have been and felt like a different person because of a man. This has mainly been while at uni, and because I have an appauling taste in men. Well, I used to, I've found a keeper now.

Let me begin. Before I left the sunny surroundings of Surrey to move west across the country to a different country in fact, in search of a higher education, I was a fairly average girl. Yes, my first love had broken my heart, but I found out (as all of us do), that it wasn't the end of the world and that life carried on. Obviously, it felt like the end of the world at the time, it always does, doesn't it? Still, I came to Swansea in 2005, already in a relationship that had been going for a year and survived his first year at uni, so I was in a fairly good place. I felt happy and secure, as far as you would be moving to a completely new city where you know no one but have a boyfriend at the other end of a phone to tell you that everything is going to be OK. Sadly, as I found out, everything was not to be OK. Distance is a harsh test on relationships, and unfortunately wandering eyes led to wandering feet, which led to wandering peckers, which led to a tearful Kerri catching a train home from Oxford after 4 hours of being there for a weekend visit. Still, I picked myself up, and there ended the chapter of my life most likely named "Kerri - the non-student from Surrey". I'm thinking about if my life were a book, and naming the chapters accordingly. It's not one of those books where chapters are given numbers, because that would be rather boring and I like chapters with a heading, giving you a little clue as to what's in store.

So, the next chapter began, and I think this one would be "Kerri - the big rebound relationship". I pretty much carried on after that big relationship to another big one. Now, let's admit it, we're all guilty of having a rebound relationship at some point in our lives. It's hard to avoid it. You try and take the best pieces of your previous relationship (and they're usually one of the long ones) and drag them in to your new relationship. These relationships rarely seem to work. Or at least not for me. I tried to settle too fast, and there were parts of me that were lost in that relationship. I rarely went out of friends that weren't connected to my boyfriend somehow. I guess, this being the first relationship away from home and not having to abide by parents rules, I wanted to prove that I was a grown up. In reality, I wasn't at all, but it was a learning curve. I learnt that relationships are about give and take. I gave a lot, didn't quite learn how to take anything back though. This led to arguments, to feeling neglected, to what ultimately ended the realtionship and something that I regret to this day. This also is where I had a major overhaul in personality, and this is due to one man...

In relationships, nobody wants to feel neglected. Well, I guess in life generally, it's not a nice feeling. Yet, a relationship is where you're supposed to be as close as it's possible to be to someone, both emotionally and physically. You don't want empty promises of spending quality time together, only to show up and be palmed off with excuses because your boyfriend wants to get stoned and play Pro Evo with his mates. Again. I'm not making excuses, I'm to blame as well. However, I felt neglected and did the worst thing possible in a relationship. I cheated. This, you'll agree, is enough to make someone feel completely different in itself. It's just that, the person I cheated on my boyfriend with, had such a profound affect on me, he's pretty much the reason why I'm writing this post. I don't agree with cheating, I think it's a horrible thing to do. My stepdad had an affair and part of me still can't forgive him for it. I always said I'd never cheat, and I honestly never thought I would. I can try and blame the alcohol, but that's a shallow excuse. I've been drunk plenty since, and never cheated. What it comes down to at the end of the day, I was unhappy and I was drinking with an incredibly manipulative man who could see that and used it to his advantage. And thus we enter the "Kerri - The lost years". Because that's what I was. But how did this come to pass? Well, as I mentioned before, this man was manipulative. I confessed to my boyfriend, we broke up in a spectacular fashion in the uni nightclub. The aforementioned man was the manager of said nightclub, so it wasn't great. After an excessive amount of alcohol, all I could do was cry. Mr T (for that is what I will call him for the rest of this post) took it upon himself to comfort me, and me, being drunk and miserable, let him. I was taken in by his words of reassurance, of how a great and wonderful person I was, about how I didn't need a wanker like him, about how I shouldn't feel bad, sex is only sex after all. I was taken in by it, I thought he meant it. This was the start of a year of messing with my head. Of giving me enough to grasp on to, and then letting it go just as quickly. By the end of the year I felt I was worth nothing. I found myself trying to prove to this man that I was worth something, hoping he'd compliment me and take me in to his arms, when in reality he just wanted me for sex. In the times when I was being ignored and feeling low, I adopted the idea that sex is only sex and nothing else, at least I thought I did. I was just trying to get someone to want me. I was clearly going the wrong way about it. This all came to a head when I met a nice guy, and Mr T tried to ruin it all. He'd done this a few times before. He maintained that he didn't want a relationship or anything like that with me, yet as soon as I met someone, he would do his best to destroy it. It usually worked. Until the last time, as on a drunken night he somehow ended up collecting me from a night out and we had a blazing argument. He said that he'd always liked me but I'd buggered off with other people. Based on this final lie, I walked away, knowing that I was over him and there ended that chapter of my life.

The following chapter would be entitled "Kerri - the spanish version", as I was a different person when in Spain and the relationships I had there. The influence of Mr T was still there (he still tried to contact me a fair few times), and I still found it hard to distinguish the difference between people liking me genuinely or just for someone to sleep with. This led to the colombian, and I was in a very bad place when I was with him. I lost weight, was constantly on my guard and couldn't see my friends without accusastions of infidelity. I was never unfaithful, but when you're in that situation, part of you thinks, seeing as I'm being accused of it, why don't I just do it anyway? I eventually found the strength to walk away, after months of arguments and tears. It made me a lot stronger and I wasn't so trusting for a long time.

We then come to the chapter "Kerri - the restoration", where I spent a long time finding out who I was and learning to be by myself, without a man. So I guess this chapter doesn't involve a man as such, I mean, there were a few flings, but they were more passing blips, and they never really changed my character in such a dramatic way.

And then I met Edd, and now we reach the current chapter, what I hope is the final chapter based on men influencing my life. This chapter hasn't been named yet, I can't think of one fitting for it. Edd has changed me for the better, many people have said so. I am calmer, I don't see sex as the be all and end all, I've learnt more about myself and I am happy with the person I am now.

Where did this huge internal monologue come from? Well, my dreams have featured a few of my exes recently, and I reckon it's because I'm so settled with Edd now that I am processing what happened before from a safe place where the wounds aren't so raw and I can see what happened for what it was. I came out the other side a better person, and I owe a lot to the idiots who hurt me, for now I am where I want to be.

WARNING:Post contains mild irritation and a bit of a rant

Now, before I start, I'm not claiming that I'm an ideal person, a perfect person, or that we're living in what would be the ideal place. But I'd just like to make it clear, that we're trying our hardest.

A story in the news yesterday really wound me up. David Cameron, our wonderful "elected" Prime Minister had said that "runaway fathers" (his new catchphrase) should be looked upon by society in the same manner as drink drivers. Basically, with disgust. Now, partly, I agree with this. Having come from a background where my biological father was a "runaway father", who failed dismally at paying maintenance for his 3 children. I'm not one to get involved in politics, but this story got to me. Yes, it's wrong that one parent has to foot the bill of bringing up a child while the other parent pays nothing. What is more wrong however, is the way this statement was made.

It's not just single mothers out there. What about the single fathers? Society conveniently forgets that sometimes the father is actually left looking after the child. It's like society can't handle the idea of the maternal role not being fulfilled, which is reflected in maintainance cases that go to court. If a father doesn't pay maintainance, it's very difficult for them to seek access to their child, on account of the financial difficulty they are putting the mother through. Howeverm it's not the same for the reverse. Apparently, it's "a mother's right" to see her child, regardless of whether they pay money towards said child's upkeep or the emotional trauma this places the child under.

And now, the government want to charge people for using the service they provide to ensure that child maintainance is paid. Surely this reeks of hipocrysy? The governemnt want absent fathers to pay child maintainance, but they want the mothers to pay a service fee for receiving said maintainance... Oh no wait, it's just another example of how the government is trying to get more money. I'm sure someone will be getting a big bonus for coming up with that idea, all paid for by the tax payer of course...

But anyway, aside from the politics aspect of this, the reason this story affected me so much is to do with Emilia's mum. There is still the issue of contact, and we have a court hearing coming up soon. I can see it from both sides really. The welfare lady (I don't really know what to call her) is going to suggest one final meeting between Emilia and her mum so that Emilia can say goodbye. I agree with this, as if she is denied the chance to say goodbye, it will have repercussions later on in her life. However, I don't think prolonged contact would be a good idea. Her mum's solicitor is saying that she is asking to see Emilia, well at the end of th day that's tough. She gave up that right when she abused and neglected her own innocent daughter. Just because she is now dying doesn't meant that right is now reinstated. Furthermore, the way that she is dying means that she's is going to deteriorate further and further, and how is it in Emilia's best interests to see that? I also feel that if her mum is so concerned about her, why isn't she paying maintainance towards her upkeep? How can she deman to see a child she refuses to pay for? What do they think children live on, air?

Which brings me to my final point (I did warn that this would be a rant...). As the child welfare lady has now seen that Emilia is settled, and knows that she calls me Mummy and it was a voluntary thing that she started after she saw her mum last time, in her report to the judge, she is going to mention this fact. I know full well that the other side is going to kick up a fuss about this, but at the end of the day they can't do anything about it. They have no say over who Edd dates, they have no say about where Emilia lives (as long as it's not outside the UK), and as they've broken the court order preventing contact by sending a t-shirt with a picture of Emilia's emaciated dying mum on it (honestly, WTF?!), they pretty much can't say anything. I am the one who pays for Eilia's food, her clothes, her toys. I'm the one who takes her to school, who cooks her dinners, who reads with her, encourages her to write and plays with her. They gave all of that up when they neglected her. So they can say naff all about our little jigsaw family, about Emilia's welfare, when they aren't even prepared to pay to ensure that she has food to eat. They never bothered before though, so why would they now?

Nothing is going to break this little family up.

What happens when you stop going out partying, but then decide to try and keep up with the friends who still do

You are sitting on your bed the next day, it's just gone 10pm, it's a Saturday night, and all you can think about is how much you just want to go to sleep. To curl up under the duvet and give your tired, partied out feet a rest. To sleep in a proper bed, rather than on your friend's sofa, which was leather, so very cold, and you got poked in the middle of the night (read morning) by a sneaky tv remote that had hidden itself behind a cushion. But then you realise... you're only 25, you shouldn't be considering bed at this time. It's the weekend for crying out loud. Well do you know what I think to that?

Sod it.

I don't feel the need to go out partying all the time anymore. To try and piece together the hazy blur of the previous drunken night from embarassing pictures and even more mortifying stories kindly regailed to you by your "friends" the following day. No, I find it weird to say it, but I don't want that anymore. I was talking with a friend of mine last night about how weird the different paths people take in life are. I could honestly tell you right now, hand on heart, that a year ago I wasn't planning on settling down anywhere in the near future. And yet I have, and I am happier now than I was back then. I've done the crazy things, the messing around and the ridiculously drunken nights. I've got that out of my system (which apparently means I may have avoided having a mid-life crisis, result!), and to be honest, before I met Edd I was getting bored of going out. It was always the same place, the same faces, and the same feeling of emptiness the next day. And the dodgy stomach of course. But now, I am happy going out once a month, if that. It brings the fun back to it, and I appreciate it a lot more. I wouldn't change my nights in snuggled up watching a film, or even just feeling exhausted from running around after a 5 year old all day, for all the free drinks in Swansea. I'm not saying that I'm becoming a hermit, a social leper of sorts. Not at all. I'm a very sociable person, and always will be. I guess I'm just saying that I feel as though I've grown up and found my place in life. Even if my nights out do involve lovely pictures such as this.....

So, here I am, 25 years young, 10.20pm on a Saturday night, saying, Goodnight all, I'm off to the Land of Nod.

Family... is blood really that thick?

So, there has been a bit of tension in my family today. Well, in reality, there has been for a while, but it came bubbling up to the surface today. I'll be honest, we're not a close family. If something is going wrong, my sister isn't the first person I'd call, and I doubt I'd be hers. However, I do still care about her, as any big sister would. I can't help it. And it seems as sometimes it comes across as criticism. Things have now been said from both sides that have hurt one another. I worry because she puts silly things on facebook like about how drunk she is and how she's got to look after her baby daughter. If Ellie's(her daughter) dad did ever decide that he wanted custody or something like that, aforementioned things put on facebook would be so damaging for her. I only say this because I am living in the aftermath of that kind of situation. I don't mean it to be horrible. I don't mean to say that she can't look after Ellie, because she clearly can. But to be told that I don't know anything because I am a pretend parent, that hurt me. Fair enough Emilia isn't my daughter, but doesn't mean that I can't look after her like she is. Seeing as her own mother didn't look after her, surely she deserves love and stability. It's not pretend when she says she loves me and gives me a cuddle. I work hard to help Edd support her, and if it weren't for step-parents, there would be a lot of messed up children in this world. I would be one of them.

We've spoken about it now. My brother and sister said that I'm lame because I don't ask how they are. The thing is, I do. I have tried repeatedly to get in contact with them, but I never hear anything back. I ask my mum when I phone her every week how they both are. It's not a case of not trying, it's just a case of that so much has gone on in our family, it's hard for us to be close.

But, at the end of the day, there's the saying that "Blood is thicker than water", and I wouldn't change my family for anyone else. I can't really, I am stuck with them. And I guess today has shown us that we all need to try a little harder to stay in contact and helo each other out, because when the rest of the world walks out, my family will still be there.

Today, I'm feeling angry...

I don't usually get angry about things. I think anger is a waste of energy usually. But today, I am angry. I am angry that the so called child courts in this country seem to think it's a good idea that a child HAS to visit a parent who used to hit them and make them miserable. Apparently, this is in the child's "best interests". OK, I understand that children need both their parents. I get it. I grew up without my dad, and yeah, in some ways it still affects me. But still, I think the whole thing will be more traumatic for the child, who has progressed so much since being with their other parent, who provides a loving and nuturing environment. The child is now outgoing and happy, will laugh and skip and sing and will talk to pretty much anyone. Just like 4 year olds are supposed to do. Understandably, the child misses their parent, but why is it fair that everyone has to go through the stress of watching the child regress back to a state of sadness for nothing?

It just doesn't make sense to me.

Rant over.

New Chapter?

So, it seems that once again my life seems to be at some turning point. I'm not sure that I'm too happy about this one. At the moment I am waiting around to get a coach back to my parents' house to go to my nan's funeral. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the whole situation. I've never been to a funeral before and I really don't know how I'm going to react. I'm taking waterproof mascara.

The summer is ending. You can feel it in the air. The nights are starting earlier and it's starting to get colder. Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I do love the summer and all the fun it brings, but then I also love the snug security of winter. But all in all, it has been a rather good summer and I have enjoyed myself. So maybe it's a good thing that winter is coming. I get time to recharge the batteries. Well, not really. As soon as the new university year starts, I'm working 7 days a week. I'm kind of excited about this, as I've got new responsibilities at work, but I'm also dreading it as I will lose any semblance of a social life I once had. I'll just have to see how it pans out I guess.

As for the romance aspect of my life.... well, ever seen a ball of wool that someone has left in the bottom of bag and forgotten about for a few years, and when they find it they discover it's a huge tangled mess? Yeah, that pretty much is the state of affairs at the moment. As usual, I've fallen for the wrong person. I have to give myself some credit that I managed to hold back for quite a while. Usually I fall deeply straight away and it's a huge intense mess that inevitably ends bad. This time though, it was just fun. Just fun, until things started falling down around me, and things were said that gave so much comfort at the time, and now just make things complicated and weird. I didn't want to fall for the australian, I knew it could never be, what with him not being in Swansea for much more than a few months. I tried so hard, honestly I did. And I seemed to be succeeding..... And then he told me he likes me. This may not sound a big deal, but it was the way it was said. At the time when I was just miserable about my nan being in hospital and slowly getting worse, the australian was in the south of France. I had plenty of friends around me to keep me cheerful, but it wasn't the same as having someone who seems to fit next to my body so well. And then to have him say that he wanted to be there to give me hugs and kisses, and to make it in to such a big deal to say that he likes me.... well, honestly, it just spun my head a bit. I know it's not that big a deal. He wasn't declaring undying love or anything like that, but it was just the way it was said, how much of a big deal was made out of saying it. And now? Well, we had a great reunion, and honestly, I felt like the most special girl in the entire world lying in his arms. But, I know this is going to end. It seems to be ending already. I feel selfish for asking him to spend time with me. I feel like I'm annoying him, although I can't place why. And I feel like I can't say anything about feelings or the future, I feel like if I do then I'm going to be that weird bunny boiling girl who everyone runs away from. I'm not like that, I just like to know what's going on. But honestly, I don't know if I could find the words to express how I'm feeling now. I don't think there are any. This mixture of hurt and happiness is no good, but I can't see a way out of it, so I'm learning to cope, no matter how painful it is.

In other news, the kittens are getting bigger and cuter (apart from when they decide play time is when I want to go to sleep), and it's getting harder and harder each day to part with them.

Another interesting turn of events

So, it seems it's just all gone crazy n my life at the moment. Rachel has decided to move upstairs to live with Mat. I've told her this is a bad idea in my opinion. They have only been together 2 months and only known each other for 3. But there's just no telling loved up people sometimes. Anywho, she can't move out until August when our 6 month contract is up. But it appears that she's already started moving her stuff up there. This makes me sad. I don't really want to be living by myself until someone else moves in. I'm by myself enough as it is already. I have found someone to move in though. My friend Ross wants to stay in Swansea as well. So it's all good. I'm just hoping that nothing goes wrong between Mat and Rachel in the next 3 months as I can't let Ross down. Things are just confusing at the moment.

I am also very burnt. Will upload a picture of my amazing tan lines tomorrow.

Screw 2012, the world is possibly ending now

Ok, maybe that's a bit overdramatic, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to curl up in a ball right now and hide under my duvet until everything is better. I don't think there is a worse feeling than when you know your relationship is ending. The inevitability of it is gut-wrenching. And the pain is multiplied when you know that there's nothing you can do about it, it's the right thing, but it's the one thing you don't want. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. You refuse to see it. You can't imagine life being single again. In fact, you can't remember life being single. I detest confrontations, I really loathe them. But... in the next few days I'll have to face this... and it feels me with dread. Until then, the duvet is calling me and I'm definitely taking this call.

A wee post about everything

Well, I haven't blogged in ages, but I finally have some free time to get things down. Lots of things have been going on. Some good, some bad, some ok. I've been working loads. Like, a ridiculous amount! But the money is worth it! Oh yessum :) Although working 6 nights a week took its toll on me at times. And it meant that I couldn't see Mike as much, which was hard. But I have a bit of a break now, so yay!

I had a visit from one of my best friends at the end of February. It was great. Not as drunken as the last time she came up, but still had a great time. We had food from all over the world. Honestly. We had pizza, chinese, japanese and southern fried chicken. It was great. We watched a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I got a tattoo the other day. Another one. On my back. I'll post a photo once it's healed.

My brother is coming to visit for the weekend. It'll be the first time I've spent Easter weekend with a member of my family for 5 years, how strange is that! I'm quite looking forward to it. We get on well when we're not at home, and he seems a bit down. His girlfriend of 2 years has just broken up with him, so he needs some cheering up. Me and Mike are taking him to Face/Off tomorrow night, which is the metal v indie night in Sin City. It's awesome, and I haven't been since my birthday, where I don't remember being there.

Things have been a bit of a rollercoaster with Mike recently. I am in love with him. It's scary. Haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time. But things have been hard. We hardly saw each other for 3 weeks, and while I was working 12 hour shifts at the weekends, he was going out with his friends drinking. I guess he found it different to how we spend our weekends together. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going out with his friends, but it's different going out with your friends without your partner there. So anyways, he's still getting used to not seeing me at all, to suddenly seeing me lots again as I have got more free time for a month. But still, we've spoken and things are sorting themselves out. It's weird though, as we both know in a year and a half we'll be moving away. He's going travelling around the world with his friend, I'm planning to move to Peru to teach english... So, I've just decided that I'm going to take it as it comes, and just be happy for what I've got. I'm terrified of losing him, but I don't think I'm going to, so I'm not thinking about it.

Hmmm, that was a bit of a rant, but rather cathartic. I will try and think of something more interesting to write about for my next post. Planning on buying a camera tomorrow, so might do an update of the new flat and how lovely it is!

Complications

Why is life so complicated at times? Honestly, when one thing in my life is going well, something else has to go wrong. Why can't it all run smoothly? I mean really? So, all that's going well is lovely boyfriend, stress free job, more me time. What's going wrong? Banks, money, flat of doom... doom and gloom. Apparently banks are evil, did you know this? It's far too much stress. Money is just evil as well. We try not to let our lives be run by it, after all, there's that saying that money can't buy happiness, yeah? Well, it's true I think. However, money can give you peace of mind, which leads to happiness. Thankfully, in this day and age with so many people being in debt, there are plenty of advice lines and such. So, I think I'm on the right solution and I'm sorting it. Further proof that I am growing up, usually I just ignore these things, which is why I've got in to debt in the past and why I'm probably in debt now.

The flat is just beyond a joke. Seriously, it's just damp and mouldy, and we've been told that it's going to need months of work and that we probably won't be able to live here during that time. Which is not good. We need somewhere to live. I just want it sorted!

In the meantime, I am searching for distractions. One great distraction is Mike. He is very good at making me forget all that is rubbish in my life. How does he do this? Well, with kisses, cuddles and boxes of red wine! Oh yes, we love a good box of red wine. 4 bottles of wine in a box! Bargain. And the drunk conversations that follow. Honestly, I don't need to go out to bars and clubs and spend stupid amounts of money. Just give me lovely people and a box of wine. Obviously, just cuddles and kisses from Mike. And possibly Carys.

Another distraction is knitting. I actually really enjoy knitting, is that sad? It's really relaxing. I've finished the phone sock for Rachel. Complete with fiddly sequins. I'm starting on making her gloves now. And I want to make a blanket. This is also a remedy for the flat of doom's coldness. See, there is method to my madness. And it gives me something to do with my hands when sitting in front of the TV instead of playing games on Facebook. Honestly, I'm so addicted!

I'm rather proud of this :)

Are you happy where you're standing still?

I've been in a funk for the last few days. I can tell you why... negativity. It just seems to be everywhere at the moment. I can't escape! And try as I might, it's affecting me. I'm not a negative person. Well, not recently anyways. It seems that most of my negativity ended a while ago and recently it's been fun fun fun. But now... pfft. I honestly enjoy my job. Yes, it's hard work. Yes, it's not for everyone. But I'm good at it. I'm not a pushy sales person, I enjoy chatting to people. I'm getting paid to chat! But if I leave my flat in the morning after having a negative conversation about all the things I'm doing wrong with my life, well, it's not going to help me make money, is it? I can't go and be chatty to people if I'm feeling like shit. So... for the record...

1. I have no problems in my relationship at all. Yes, I made mistakes in the past, but people shouldn't be judged on that. And if my love life is so interesting to you, maybe you should take a look at your own. I'm bloody happy with a lovely boyfriend.

2. I have a job which pays well because I put in the effort. Yes, it's not for everyone, but if your friends hated it, it's probably because they thought it would be easy and it's not. It's hard work.

3. I am barely at home anymore, I make little mess, I feel like I can't even leave a plate on the side without having committed a cardinal sin.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my flatmate to bits. I really do. She's helped me through some tough times and I can't think of anyone else I would rather live with. But people go through ups and downs, and I guess this is just a down. I work bloody hard so I can stay in Swansea. I love it here. I have a life here now. I have wonderful people supporting me. Friends who aren't even here, who don't see me hobbling around my flat because my feet are covered in blisters from walking around solidly for 8 hours, 6 days a week. I get support from Mike. Yeah, he's upset that he can't see me during the week, but he's supportive of my job. He sends me encouraging texts during the day, asks me how I'm doing, tells me I can do my job and he's proud of me. I honestly can't see how I'd fuck this relationship up, and I have no intention of doing so. I've grown up, I feel I have, and people can't go around judging others on past experiences, as nobody would ever progress. Also, my mum sending me links for jobs in the civil service and other jobs all the time doesn't help. Especially on the days where I have no sales, feel terrible and want to jack it all in. But that's a very delicate conversation to have and I'm not in the best frame of mind for that yet.

So, that was my little rant. I needed to get it out as it's been stressing me out, hence why I had a migrane of death last night which meant I couldn't work today as I couldn't see straight. My plan to combat this negativity? Avoid it until something else comes along and it all blows over. I know I'm good at my job, I'm happy with my life, so I'll just focus on the positives, the nice things that are said and sod the rest of it.

I haven't updated on my New Years Resolutions for a while... this Saturday I am going to a vegan restaurant with Mike, so that's my new experience for the month! Well, in all honesty, this whole month has been a new experience for me! But this is my definite one!

Also, one of my best friends Hannah is up this weekend, which I am uber excited about. Although it won't be the same without Carys here. It will be like a gingerbread man missing his gum drop buttons. Sigh.