New Chapter?

So, it seems that once again my life seems to be at some turning point. I'm not sure that I'm too happy about this one. At the moment I am waiting around to get a coach back to my parents' house to go to my nan's funeral. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the whole situation. I've never been to a funeral before and I really don't know how I'm going to react. I'm taking waterproof mascara.

The summer is ending. You can feel it in the air. The nights are starting earlier and it's starting to get colder. Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I do love the summer and all the fun it brings, but then I also love the snug security of winter. But all in all, it has been a rather good summer and I have enjoyed myself. So maybe it's a good thing that winter is coming. I get time to recharge the batteries. Well, not really. As soon as the new university year starts, I'm working 7 days a week. I'm kind of excited about this, as I've got new responsibilities at work, but I'm also dreading it as I will lose any semblance of a social life I once had. I'll just have to see how it pans out I guess.

As for the romance aspect of my life.... well, ever seen a ball of wool that someone has left in the bottom of bag and forgotten about for a few years, and when they find it they discover it's a huge tangled mess? Yeah, that pretty much is the state of affairs at the moment. As usual, I've fallen for the wrong person. I have to give myself some credit that I managed to hold back for quite a while. Usually I fall deeply straight away and it's a huge intense mess that inevitably ends bad. This time though, it was just fun. Just fun, until things started falling down around me, and things were said that gave so much comfort at the time, and now just make things complicated and weird. I didn't want to fall for the australian, I knew it could never be, what with him not being in Swansea for much more than a few months. I tried so hard, honestly I did. And I seemed to be succeeding..... And then he told me he likes me. This may not sound a big deal, but it was the way it was said. At the time when I was just miserable about my nan being in hospital and slowly getting worse, the australian was in the south of France. I had plenty of friends around me to keep me cheerful, but it wasn't the same as having someone who seems to fit next to my body so well. And then to have him say that he wanted to be there to give me hugs and kisses, and to make it in to such a big deal to say that he likes me.... well, honestly, it just spun my head a bit. I know it's not that big a deal. He wasn't declaring undying love or anything like that, but it was just the way it was said, how much of a big deal was made out of saying it. And now? Well, we had a great reunion, and honestly, I felt like the most special girl in the entire world lying in his arms. But, I know this is going to end. It seems to be ending already. I feel selfish for asking him to spend time with me. I feel like I'm annoying him, although I can't place why. And I feel like I can't say anything about feelings or the future, I feel like if I do then I'm going to be that weird bunny boiling girl who everyone runs away from. I'm not like that, I just like to know what's going on. But honestly, I don't know if I could find the words to express how I'm feeling now. I don't think there are any. This mixture of hurt and happiness is no good, but I can't see a way out of it, so I'm learning to cope, no matter how painful it is.

In other news, the kittens are getting bigger and cuter (apart from when they decide play time is when I want to go to sleep), and it's getting harder and harder each day to part with them.

Another interesting turn of events

So, it seems it's just all gone crazy n my life at the moment. Rachel has decided to move upstairs to live with Mat. I've told her this is a bad idea in my opinion. They have only been together 2 months and only known each other for 3. But there's just no telling loved up people sometimes. Anywho, she can't move out until August when our 6 month contract is up. But it appears that she's already started moving her stuff up there. This makes me sad. I don't really want to be living by myself until someone else moves in. I'm by myself enough as it is already. I have found someone to move in though. My friend Ross wants to stay in Swansea as well. So it's all good. I'm just hoping that nothing goes wrong between Mat and Rachel in the next 3 months as I can't let Ross down. Things are just confusing at the moment.

I am also very burnt. Will upload a picture of my amazing tan lines tomorrow.

It's time to start all over again...

Well, it appears that I am single. I honestly couldn't tell you why, just that I have been ignored for the last week. I am rather angry about this, so I'm not going to dwell on the childishness of it all. Just that at the moment I'm trying to get my head together again.

Also, in impressive news, I drank Jack Daniels all night last night and didn't get aggressive or emotional once!

A Big Realisation

So, here's what happened. Yesterday, I was at work. It was a pretty boring day if I'm gonna be honest with you. I got woken up early by the builders who are fixing the back wall, as they wanted to steal our electricity and water. The cheeky buggers then took my keys. Was not too happy about that. It meant I spent time sighing rather than getting to work early as I had planned. Instead I got to work just on time, which wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to be early and superduper amazing. Fail.





Anywho, work was rather boring. It was a quiet night. Nothing of interest happened. My boss was in a mood and seemed to take it out on everyone else. Those shifts are never fun. The news was going on and on about the hung parliament and Gordon Brown resigning and other such stuff that didn't grab my attention. Since my boss fiddled with the tv, we no longer get the fun channels that have decent programmes on. We have news. Rubbish. Anyways, there I was, beating the crap out of a burger on the charcoal grill (a favourite hobby of mine), when it happened. My sudden realisation.... Life after graduation is this. All the expectations I had in my final year, wanting university to be finished as life after would be soooo much more exciting, only... it's not. It's as monotonous as university. I wake up, go to work, go home, sleep, repeat... Is this it? Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 40 years? Really? Well, I'm not impressed.





But then... I had another thought, a bit later on when I was at home and pondering aforementioned revelation. Maybe life is only like this because I'm not making it interesting? Maybe I am not looking for the exciting things. The exciting things that happen in every day life. I mean, if you think about it, life is pretty exciting. And I think we spend most of our time worrying that we're not living life to the full enough, which is a bit ironic as we're then actually not living our lives.





I think my recent funk is down to a few things. One is probably my laziness. I am feeling extremely lethargic at the moment. I literally have motivation for about 10 minutes, and then poof! It's gone. I'm going to blame this on my diet. I need more veggies and fruit. And tuna! I shall eat more tuna. Another reason is my lack of free time meaning that all I can see myself doing is working. Now, I've though about this, and it's not strictly true. If I actually woke up at a decent time of the morning rather than afternoon, and did stuff rather than spending all day on Facebook, I might actually enjoy my time more. I have a lot of free time before work, I need to make the most of it. And, maybe another reason is the amount of stupidly intense couples I have surrounding me. I'm not saying me and Mike aren't serious, because I think that we are. But for the first time in my dating life, I am not making everything intense. I guess living in different towns helps with that. And you know what? It's refreshing. Admittedly at times I worry and I panic and I get paranoid that he doesn't want to be with me etc etc. But, then I come to the realisation that if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. And what we have is good. I don't feel smothered, or trapped, or anything like that. I feel happy. I may sometimes look at what my housemate Rachel and the guy upstairs have and feel a pang of jealousy. But then I take off the Mills & Boon goggles and look at it rationally. They spend every waking minute together, they spend every sleeping minute together... when do they get their own time? When Mat's at work? When Rachel's upstairs doing her uni work? That's not having your own time really. And when they have their first argument, it's gonna me messy. They've only been together a bit less than two months. Nobody should be that intense that early. I find it amusing though that Rachel moaned about me being too intense in relationships when I first got with Mike... and now look! Pot, kettle, black much. There's also Danny at work. I love him to bits, but he's so loved up all the time! And he is definitely the woman in his relationship. His boyfriend, Dan, is a nice guy, but Danny mothers him. And the plans he's got for his birthday... Jeez. I mean, a treasure hunt around Swansea?! A surprise birthday party with a buffet and a cake that it's taking him 3 days to make?! That just all sounds exhausting! But I guess it works for him, so I'm happy for him in that respect. Clearly, romance is not dead. As for me, I am happy with what I've got. I see Mike when I can, we have a good time and he does give the best cuddles. And despite other temptations from people who shall not be named, I don't want to be with anyone else. I guess this means I'm maturing? I guess maybe I am.

So, from this moment forward, I'm having a life tidy. I'm going to write a big list of things I want to do this year. And I'm going to jolly well do them! I'm going to make my life exciting, I'm going to appreciate the small things in life, and I'm going to spend less time on Facebook (seriously, they need counselling groups for Facebook addiction).