An exercise in narcissism

So... there's this saying that "No one can love you until you love yourself" or something like that. The problem is, what if you don't know yourself? I know that sounds silly to say, but it's how I feel when I hear that saying. I look at myself, and I've spent the last few years living up to this expectation of what Kerri is.

Kerri: (noun) a girl who likes to have a good time, overshares, drinks too much and does stupid idiotic things, sleeps around and works a lot.

Hmmm... it's not the best image, is it? You see, that is just the front I have. The side everyone sees. I have other sides, and I often question myself, why don't I show them? Would my friends like my geek side? The one that sits at home watching crime documentaries, and actually really enjoys studying. What about my sensitive side? The side that actually processes the emotions, and feelings, rather than letting them just bounce off me. The side that hates being alone and just wants someone to share the wonderful things of the world with.... I'm not so sure.

However, it's getting hard now. I'm starting to not like what I see. What I'm turning into. I worry that each time it's getting worse and worse, I'm drinking more and more, and I'm worried what I might end up doing. I don't like it one bit. I don't have any regrets, I've had a fun 5 years in Swansea and some very fun experiences. I think I've just reached a point where I want some sort of... self respect? Maybe not the right word. More like stability. I think. A bit more maturity? I need a balance between work and socialising. Because I'm doing one all the time, when I get the chance to do the other I am overcompensating in a BIG way. And I fear it's ruining things. I'm not a bad person, at least I like to think I'm not. My judgement is shockingly bad when I'm drunk, and if there's someone on my mind, it's usually them I piss off when I'm drunk, regardless if they're with me at the time or not. And I'm sorry for that.

Loneliness is my problem as well. I hate being lonely. I actually despise it. I may put on a front that I'm happy being by myself, and I am, but at times I just wish I had someone there. It hurts sometimes, when all I want is a hug and for someone to tell me that everything is ok, there isn't that someone there... And what if I thought I'd found a someone? Would it be selfish of me to ask a guy to be with me but he'd never see me? Apart from at 5am when I finish work? I don't think it would be fair, which just makes me feel even more lonely. It's harder now... Now that I think there is a connection there, and I can't do anything about it. I'm messing it up by saying the wrong things. Am I demanding too much? I don't know. If you read this, and I really hope that you are reading this, I want you to know that I will be patient, and wait. It's like waiting for Guiness, the whole good things come to those who wait thing... Even if it goes nowhere, I want someone to see the other side of me, just for once. If you can break down the barriers, I really think I need it.

Home, Home on the Raaaange

So I'm back in Surrey. Back in Woodhatch. Nothing much has changed. In fact, it seems to be more boring than I remembered. I guess it's because all of my friends have moved away. I suppose that happens. I think I've said it before, it's always weird coming home.

My parents seem to be creatures of habit. Nothing changes. Occasionally I'll notice a new duvet set, or this time I have noticed a new set of plates in the cupboard. But nothing big changes. My brothers and sister play on their XBoxes all day, my dad joins them, my mum does work in front of the TV. I don't really fit in to this scenario anymore.

I often wonder when I'll end up like them. When I'll have a family of my own. The idea scares me a little. So much changes in my life year on year, I can't imagine falling into the monotonity of family life. My sister is heading there. She's due to give birth in November, and let me tell you, it's going to be such a shock for her. I heard her talking to my mum earlier about bottle feeding the baby because that means someone else can feed it during the night.... I don't know who else she is talking about, because her boyfriend is stationed in Inverness, and there is no way in hell that my mum will wake up and feed the baby. I feel sorry for my sister, she hasn't got a clue what she's doing with her life. So many people in this world are desperate to have children, have nuturing stable families to bring them in to, have been trying for years, and then there's people like my sister who just ended up pregnanat by accident, who have no jobs or means of support, and who don't realise that that's it for the next 18 years of their life. It's kind of sad that she doesn't realise how hard it's going to be.

New Chapter?

So, it seems that once again my life seems to be at some turning point. I'm not sure that I'm too happy about this one. At the moment I am waiting around to get a coach back to my parents' house to go to my nan's funeral. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the whole situation. I've never been to a funeral before and I really don't know how I'm going to react. I'm taking waterproof mascara.

The summer is ending. You can feel it in the air. The nights are starting earlier and it's starting to get colder. Again, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I do love the summer and all the fun it brings, but then I also love the snug security of winter. But all in all, it has been a rather good summer and I have enjoyed myself. So maybe it's a good thing that winter is coming. I get time to recharge the batteries. Well, not really. As soon as the new university year starts, I'm working 7 days a week. I'm kind of excited about this, as I've got new responsibilities at work, but I'm also dreading it as I will lose any semblance of a social life I once had. I'll just have to see how it pans out I guess.

As for the romance aspect of my life.... well, ever seen a ball of wool that someone has left in the bottom of bag and forgotten about for a few years, and when they find it they discover it's a huge tangled mess? Yeah, that pretty much is the state of affairs at the moment. As usual, I've fallen for the wrong person. I have to give myself some credit that I managed to hold back for quite a while. Usually I fall deeply straight away and it's a huge intense mess that inevitably ends bad. This time though, it was just fun. Just fun, until things started falling down around me, and things were said that gave so much comfort at the time, and now just make things complicated and weird. I didn't want to fall for the australian, I knew it could never be, what with him not being in Swansea for much more than a few months. I tried so hard, honestly I did. And I seemed to be succeeding..... And then he told me he likes me. This may not sound a big deal, but it was the way it was said. At the time when I was just miserable about my nan being in hospital and slowly getting worse, the australian was in the south of France. I had plenty of friends around me to keep me cheerful, but it wasn't the same as having someone who seems to fit next to my body so well. And then to have him say that he wanted to be there to give me hugs and kisses, and to make it in to such a big deal to say that he likes me.... well, honestly, it just spun my head a bit. I know it's not that big a deal. He wasn't declaring undying love or anything like that, but it was just the way it was said, how much of a big deal was made out of saying it. And now? Well, we had a great reunion, and honestly, I felt like the most special girl in the entire world lying in his arms. But, I know this is going to end. It seems to be ending already. I feel selfish for asking him to spend time with me. I feel like I'm annoying him, although I can't place why. And I feel like I can't say anything about feelings or the future, I feel like if I do then I'm going to be that weird bunny boiling girl who everyone runs away from. I'm not like that, I just like to know what's going on. But honestly, I don't know if I could find the words to express how I'm feeling now. I don't think there are any. This mixture of hurt and happiness is no good, but I can't see a way out of it, so I'm learning to cope, no matter how painful it is.

In other news, the kittens are getting bigger and cuter (apart from when they decide play time is when I want to go to sleep), and it's getting harder and harder each day to part with them.

Fail

So, the photo a day project has kind of fallen on it's arse. It seems that life has got in the way. Why does it do that? Things have just been so hectic recently. You know that saying that bad things come in threes? I think that's a lie. Because these past few weeks have just been rubbish. My flat got broken in to, which really wasn't fun. It's kind of shaken me up, and now I can't sleep in my new house by myself, and I get jumpy at any noise. The police coudln't see any sign of forced entry, which panicked me even more. I didn't sleep in the flat after that happened. I moved in to Liz's house a week early.

The kittens arrived. It was exciting. 4 cute little bundles. 2 white and ginger, 1 white, black and ginger, and 1 white and black (who is called Batman, and we're keeping). Unfortunately, after I had been to the police station to report the break in, I came up to Liz's to feed Mumma Cat, and one of the kittens had died. It was one of the ginger ones, the biggest one whom we had named Tank. It was rather sad. The other kittens are fine though, and getting bigger by the day.

My nan is in hospital. She went in with pneumonia last week. She seemed to stabalise, but now her kidneys aren't working properly, and it's just a matter of time. It's really sad and I don't know what to do. I'm kind of blocking it out at the moment. I've never had someone close to me die, I don't know how to feel about it all.

The australian is in France at the moment, and I actually miss him quite a lot. I have been talking to him since he got off his sailing trip, but now he's run out of credit and I can't get hold of him. He told me he wishes he were here to comfort me. I wish he were too.

And then came the rain...

It's hard keeping up with this Project 365 thingy! I've been busy moving and packing, but I have finally found some time for an update... so here it is...

Day 2

This is the spider that lives in my bathroom. He's rather big, but I'm not scared by him. He seems to stay only in the corner by the washing machine. He's been there for weeks. We have an agreement. He doesn't crawl over my face while I'm asleep, and I leave the bathroom window open so he can have flies to munch on. I really should name him, but I can only think of Boris. Boris was the spider that used to live outside the window of my grandparents house. For years. I'm sure there were several spiders called Boris. So I can't really call him Boris, as he's not on a window. See the dilemma? So, this is a photo of the spider with no name, who is pretty much my flatmate at the moment.

Day 3

Apologies for this one, it was taken on my mobile. It's of some boys playing football in my local park. It was the last forecast day of sunshine. The end of the Swansea Summer. We've had a good run this year. Usually it only lasts a week, and then, just rain. Rain, rain, rain. And more rain. Yep, the rain has started.

Day 4

This is also taken in my local park. Someone has carved tree stumps in to mushrooms. There are a few dotted randomly around the place. I like random acts of art in the places you least expect it.

Day 5

This is a photo of an earthworm in a puddle. There are lots of puddles in Swansea at the moment. This picture got me wondering if earthworms can swim. So I did a bit of research, and courtesy of Wikipedia, I found out... that they can't. Which now leaves me with the guilt of being a worm murderer, having walked away and left this worm to wriggle to its puddley death. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have committed wormicide. The shame.

Project 365... my attempt

Inspired by something my friend is doing, I have decided to try the same thing. The plan is to take one photo every day for a year. Hopefully my photography will get better, and I should end up with some crazy photos and hopefully a good collection...

So...

Day 1

This picture was taken in the early hours of this morning. This is my soon-to-be housemate Liz and our amazing cheesecake. It was our first attempt ever at making cheesecake, and it turned out to be a great success. It has strawberries and raspberries on the top. Liz did manage to turn it in to an acrobatic cheesecake when trying to remove it from the tin, but it survived and we enjoyed it very much.

Wherever I lay my hat...

Once again, a realisation has crept up on me. You know, one of those big ones that makes you stop whatever it is that you're doing and shake your head in disbelief. I shall explain...

I've been at home in Surrey this week. Well, for about 2 days anyway. I came down to visit Carys and Hannah as a joint birthday celebration (theirs, not mine)/reunion. We went to Thorpe Park, it was a truly great day. Much fun was had, many pictures were taken. It was great meeting up with them again as well. It had been just under a year since the three of us were together. Way too long. I spent the night at Carys's flat in London, and the next day we went to St James's Park and ate sushi, drank cider, and mucked around and took more photos. As you do.

So, I arrived home yesterday, pleasantly worn out, a bit sweaty from the journey home, but all in all rather content. And... my house seems different. I guess that happens when you move away. Things change. Not huge big things, but small things. A new cabinet in the living room. A new fridge/freezer combo. Parents have a new routine in the evenings, and are actually going out. My baby brother is actually looking like the teenager he now is.

Then, about 10 minutes ago, it hit me. Smack bang in the face. This isn't my home anymore. Not in the sense of "this is where I belong" home. I mean, I'll always have a place here, it's where I grew up. But it isn't where I belong anymore. I have to admit that I do feel like a guest when I visit. It's usually a case of find me a place to sleep now that my sister has moved back home. And all of my things that aren't in the attic are reduced to a drawer and half a chest in "my" bedroom. I'm going to look through them later, bring on the nostalgia. But anyways, this has all got me to thinking about where my place in the world actually is. Where do I belong? I love living in Swansea, it's more home for me now. But I can't see myself living there forever. So... where will I belong? And how long will I have to wait to find out?